Hau'oli Gobble Gobble and other late postings including a review of "The ZooHunters" issue one.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!! I'm late but for some pretty good reasons! And really... We should be thankful everyday!!!

It's been many moons since I've written anything so please bear with me. My beautiful "pupule" son is at my boobie happily chomping away as I try to type this with my one free thumb on my phone. I've missed it here. I've missed writing and I'm getting back into it with a vengeance!

At least as vengeful as a one thumbed writer can be.

Today's blog will be a hodge podge of items...

1. a book review. Comic book to be exact. This comic will also be stuffing a few stockings so watch out for that!

2. some rambling. Things have happened in the months that I've let this blog take a long naptime. I'm gonna ramble. Probably mostly about my son. I'll introduce you to him in a later blog.

3. a voice clip I should have posted on Thanksgiving. Instead think of it as an early Christmas present!

And it begins...

"The ZooHunters: Issue One: Adagio For Her Kels" story and art by Peter Steigerwald.

photo by Andria Angott

A little background on Mr Steigerwald.

BORN AND RAISED IN HAWAII!!! He went to Mid Pacific Institute on Oahu. His first major gig was with Top Cow where he and a few other artists banded together and started Aspen Comics. Mr. Steigerwald has also done work for DC, Image and Marvel comics.

Warning here... Spoiler Alert! Just a little bit though.

"For my mother- who took me to zoos and taught me art... And who never got to see this."

The authors dedication is a heart shattering mirror, a somber preamble to the events of this book. As a newly minted mother, my son is four months old, I never want to imagine leaving him. I want to be there for all his triumphs. I want to be there when he falls and I want to teach him to pick himself back up. I never want to leave him. 

This Comicbook has touched the mother in me. It made my soul ache for Ty, the young hero of this story. The first page is a stark, sterile fog. The movement of the page gave me a feeling of being this little boys mother... Seeing him trapped in a hospital room with only a journal for comfort. 

Although I am getting all motherhoody all over this blog page... It is the Father figure who must stand strong in this story. This issue is about two men, a son and his father, who must over come losing the most important person in their lives. They must navigate the strange fathomless ocean of space to hunt and capture wild animals for intergalactic zoos. This comic has the makings of a wonderous new universe of beings and languages (Mr. Steigerwald gives his Hawaii roots a nod here... See if you can find it!). 

The art. Wow. Much of the comic work in today's market are done my a host of artists and a writer. This book was penned, inked and colored by Mr. Steigerwald. He probably would have done the lettering as well if he had the time!!! Plus Josh Reed (the is just amazing at his job. Mr. Steigerwald is one of a handful of creators that has done work at this scale. And really... The art is phenomenal. As I am not an art major and I haven't drawn anything since my high school art class... I can't give a well drawn explanation except that it's really really awesome. The movement, the life of the inks, the colors and the story is so well moulded into an incredible book. I can't wait to get my hands on issue two!!! 

Oh and I want this little creature!!! He's so cute!

If Santa doesn't slide one of these books into your stocking you can grab a copy at:

http://www.aspenstore.com
and follow Peter at https://www.facebook.com/peter.steigerwald.3

So... I tried to put my son down halfway through that review... But alas... It was not to be. He likes to have easy access to his main food supply. Instead I put him back to sleep and cut his little fingernails. And that was my break time.

I hope you liked the first half of this blog... now for the heart of this piece...

The reason I am tying in thanksgiving... Other than the fact that I didn't (but meant to) post that day... And motherhood and writing ... Is ...

My Grandma.

Mr. Steigerwald dedicated his book to his Mom. My Grandmother was the MOM of our family. I miss her everyday. And everyday I can here her telling me to get on with my writing. Get on with telling everyone my stories.

...

I miss your phone calls Grandma. I miss how you made me feel like I was with you and not 6000 miles away. I miss how you would call JUST TO CHECK on me. I miss how you would get angry on Facebook if I didn't automatically call you back.

I wish you would call to check on your great grandson. I know you can see him from heaven. I know you hold him and sing to him in his dreams. I know he can see you even when I can't.

But I'm selfish.

I wish you were still with us in this life to meet your first Great Grandson. I know you would have been on the first plane over after he was born. I know you would have stayed with me and held our baby in your arms. 

He is so beautiful, Grandma.

So Grandma... I'm writing again. Even though it's with one thumb (now I'm using my left one) I still writing. Even though my your great grandson won't sleep in his crib and wants to eat every twenty minutes... I'm writing.
...

I'm writing because one day my son will grow up and I won't beable to hold him the way I do now.

I'm writing because I want to.

I'm writing.

I'm also posting. I have a present for you, dear reader... Well for my family and friends and people who knew my grandma. This is a "Hau'oli Gobble Gobble" Early Christmas present.

I didn't pick up my Grandmas calls automatically because I wanted her to leave a message. I saved those messages...

Hau'oli Gobble Gobble everyone.

Love you Grandma. Please give Peter Steigerwald's Mom a hug from him.

Love you all,

Happy Nathaniel

My son... sleeping in my arms as I edit.

Support Your Boobies!!!

Breastfeeding sucks

Yes. I see the irony. 

I actually wrote much of this blog months ago... Within the first two months of my baby boys life. I don't know why I didn't post it at the time. 

But first...

MY DISCLAIMER: So sorry folks... I know I keep on saying that I'll get back on a schedule... and I will. I have just been a little busy writing my book AND I just got back from two weeks in Hawaii!!! BUT enough of me apologizing to you, dear friend, and back to my disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I am not a nurse. I am not a psychologist. I am not affiliated with any sort of health industry. You are reading this blog with the full knowledge that Pilialoha K. Nathaniel is not authorized by any school, institution or government to give health and medical advice. If you follow any advice in this blog it is at your own discretion and at your own risk. Okay? Nod if you agree. If you read anything past this paragraph that means you have nodded and you agree.

...

Let's go back a few months... My beautiful hungry boy was born mid-August. For more than two months I was in pain.

...

My life after labor has become centered mostly around feeding my son. Which should be an amazing experience. Except that it's not.

For the most part it's been a toe curling, tear reducing and sleep depriving process. The worst part is that I convince myself that I've finally achieved that happy euphoric land of happy mommy and baby breastfeeding... When really I haven't.  My nipples are still hurting and my breast still burn.

Please Stop. Now. 

Don't try to solve this. Please don't ask me if I've:

1) Seen "someone"? Yes. I have seen multiple "someones". I have seen three lactation consultants, two pediatricians, an RN and the OBGyn that delivered my son. They just look at me and basically tell me to deal with it. Nothing is wrong with my sons mouth. There is nothing medically wrong with my breasts. So. Deal.

2) ... Gone to meetings? Yes. Took the classes before. They are a waste of time. You can't know what it feels like until you have a real baby latched on to your breast. Playing with dolls doesn't help. The videos they show and the nurse that gave the class just made me feel like I would be a horrible momma if I even touched formula. 

...

And that's where I stopped. I was in a really bad place. It hurt so much that I wasn't feeding my son enough and had to supplement with formula. I felt like a failure... Why though? Both my Man and I were raised on formula. With all the pro-breastfeeding stuff out there I think I just felt pressured. 

Breast milk is THE BEST food for a baby. You can google it and come up with dozens of websites promoting it. So you can imagine how upset I became when my doctor told me that my son was losing too much weight and I had to supplement with formula. Add that to the stress of being in excruciating pain everytime my son latched on... I was not a happy momma.

And it was all in my head. My doctors were very supportive. Those breast feeding websites were supportive. The mommies groups that I went to were supportive. I had the support and love of my Man and both our families...

I wasn't supporting myself. 

I let my views of what I THOUGHT perfection was cloud my enjoyment of the present. Yes... There was pain. A lot of it. But I didn't fail my son in anyway. He took what I was able to give him. The formula gave my breasts a rest and I was able to heal.

About 7-8 weeks in I wrote a "help" post on Facebook to all my Mommies out in facebookland. Thank you to everyone who responded. Thank you especially to whoever said to use coconut oil. I still use it. I think it not only helped me to heal but it also gave my son a added boost of good fats.

About 9 weeks in ... Around the end of October... Breastfeeding became less painful and more of the joy I had heard it was supposed to be. I could feed my son without crying from the pain. 

Finally... It didn't suck.

Now... It's the best thing ever. I can breastfeed anywhere. I don't just whip them out in public... I'm not all that comfortable with people ogling my boobs. I keep them covered it public.

I can multitask as well! I'm actually writing and breastfeeding right now! I can walk and nurse. I can eat and nurse. I can cut all twenty of my sons nails during a nursing session! I know that seems like a small thing but I feel like super mom after his nails are cut.

So... The moral of my bloggy today... SUPPORT YOURSELF! There will be pain. But that's okay. You can work through it and find the reward on the other side. Don't google so much that your head explodes from all the advice out there. Use your judgement. 

Love, happiness and boobie milk,

Happy Nathaniel

My little hungry man back in September at barely a month old... So intent!!! So hungry!!!

Fatty.

I was just told by my OB that I am fat.

...

...

Well... not in those words exactly. She said, in a very caring and professional manner, I am gaining too much weight and I need to cut back on carbs and sugar.  I need to eat smaller portions throughout the day. I need to drink more water. I've gained more than 40lbs during this pregnancy which could be unhealthy for the baby. She wants me to cut back for the health of me and my baby.

But all my brain heard was... "Pili, you are fat. You are Over-weight and Ugly."

Brains are amazing things, aren't they. Instead of hearing the encouraging words from the man I love. Instead of hearing him tell me how beautiful I am. Instead of listening to his kind loving words, I heard this: 

"Pili, you can't get pregnant. If you get pregnant then you'll be FAT."

Do you know how many times that was drilled into me in the past? Enough to make a lasting impression, I guess. I didn't realize the toll that had taken on me until today. I thought I had gotten over that. I thought I was over this crap. I was seriously almost to the point of tears. There are recesses of my brain that are still pretty messed up. When the doctor told me that I was gaining too much weight and that I needed to cut back, all I heard was a nasty voice in my head telling me that ... 

I am fat.

AAAAANNND... this is where I switch gears and I try to yank myself out of this funk. But first... My big, fat disclaimer.

I am not a doctor. I am not a nurse. I am not a psychologist. I am not a counselor. I am not affiliated with any sort of health industry. I AM A big, fat, fatty pregnant girl who tends to ramble. You are reading this blog with the full knowledge that Pilialoha K. Nathaniel is not authorized by any school, institution or government to give health and medical advise. If you follow any advise in this blog it is at your own discretion and at your own risk. Okay? Nod if you agree. If you read anything past this paragraph that means you have nodded and you agree.

...

Around this date almost exactly two years ago I was at my lowest. My birthday... 7/7/2012 was probably the worst birthday I had ever had. I was severely under weight at 104 lbs. For a 5ʻ8" high volume bartender (at the time) thatʻs low.  I had no ass (see picture) to speak of and my bra size was a 32A. I had never been that skinny or small in my life. A concerned doctor friend of mine said I was probably consuming around 1300-1500 calories a day... barely enough to keep up with my active life style and my bodies needs. Truthfully... some days I would barely eat that. I had many friends point out my weight loss but it wasnʻt until the mother of a good friend of mine pulled me to the side and asked me straight up:

"Are you anorexic? Are you eating? Are you okay?"

Of course I gave her all sorts of excuses, all the same excuses that Iʻd been giving everyone all year. But I knew deep down that I was sick and unhappy. Iʻm smiling in this pic because I am standing with a very awesome friend of mine and her son.  But as you can see... I have NO BUTT.  If you want more of the story you can go to an older bloggy of mine: IM STARVING!!!

A person very close to me once said, "Pili, you canʻt get pregnant because youʻll get fat if you do." I still think about that statement and a multitude of others concerning my weight. It still fucks with my head. Those comments. They were from someone I loved. Sometimes itʻs the words of your loved ones that leave the deepest scars.

Thatʻs my Cousin Kalei and my Aunty Jane. They were worried. They almost threw me into the trunk of their rental car when they came to visit me in NYC. I was so unhealthy and small.

I KNOW I have NEVER been even close to over-weight. I have always had a high-metabolism. I also found out a few months after this picture was taken that I am hypoglycemic. Not only did I have a lower than average blood sugar it also meant that I HAD TO EAT MORE to stay healthy. Go figure... my Dadʻs been telling me that for ages.

I love my Mom and Dad. They, along with my entire family and a few supportive friends brought me back to myself...

...  A few months later I was at about 116 lbs and I finally saw a Doctor. There was no more excuses and no more abusing myself. I had to get healthy. My cousins convinced me to this blog and I was on my uphill journey.

I really am proud of myself. Through eating RIGHT, an AWESOME exercise program and simply being me, being HAPPY and being around those that not only make me happy but promote my happiness ... I found myself again.

In October of 2013 I did Tough Mudder with a bunch of crazy cats. This was totally out of my comfort zone and not something I would have ever thought to do... for more on Tough Mudder go here: TOUGH MUDDER!!!!

Around this time I was probably close to 130 because I had bulked up a bit for the adventure. I was happy and running regularly. 

And then a month later... I was PREGNANT!!!!

Iʻm PREGNANT with a very healthy, KICKING (He has found my bladder and loves to head-butt it) BABY BOY!!!

That person, all those years ago, was right. I got pregnant and I got fat. Pregnant women are SUPPOSED to get bigger!!! Everything SPREADS to make room! Its been such a crazy experience!!! I finally feel like a woman! I am overflowing a 34D cup!!! I HAVE AN ASS!!! Seriously. A huge ass. I love it!!! My body was built for this child-making thing!!!

So... I need to take my doctors advice. I need to cut back on the Bad Carbs and Bad Sugars. I need to eat more salads and protein. I need to eat smaller, more frequent meals. I need to not beat myself over the head because of my past. I need to listen when the people I love remind me that I am beautiful. I need to stay happy and healthy for my very active, very strong baby boy. 

I wish I could explain how strong he is. It is an amazing and humbling feeling to have this beautiful being growing inside me. I love how relentless he is in his movements and kicks. I love the excitement of waiting to meet him. 

I will not let anything deter me from having an awesome pregnancy experience.

I just need to lay off the chocolate pudding and butter rolls for awhile.

...

Thank you for reading and helping me to get out of my funk. I still feel HUGE but HAPPY. 

Love, aloha and protein,

Happy Nathaniel

On Aloha in the Middle East

My Family and Friends, My beautiful courageous cousin from Hawai'i, Lia Kamana, is studying abroad in Israel right now. She has been there for the last two semesters and has continued to learn and persevere through all that she has come across, the good and the bad.

Here is a picture of my cousin in Petra, Jordan:

With the lastest reports of violence in the Middle East I want to stretch my arms out to my brave cousin, give her the warmest hug and grab her by the scruff and drag her home. But that's because I'm much older than her and I remember when she and my little sister, Leimaile, played as toddlers ... 

Truly... I am afraid for her. 

But that fear stems from the unknown. I do not know what she is going through. I do not know what it is like to live in Israel. All I can hope for is that my cousin is surrounded by good people with loving hearts who know what a special person they have amongst them. 

To Lia... You have grown into a powerful world traveling woman. Please be careful. Please keep on smiling and giving that ALOHA spirit that you so eloquently write about.

To my friends and family... PLEASE LIVE WITH ALOHA!!! Please read and please pray for those who seek violence. It is not the way. Please pray for those who have lost their lives through violence. May their families know peace. Please pray for my cousin that she may show people ... Even if it is just ONE person ... The meaning of ALOHA. 

Love you Lia. Be safe and live with Aloha.

Happy Nathaniel


Please read Below:

"Aloha in the Middle East" From the Facebook page of Lia Kamana:

"Just a thought, I normally don't do this, but I had to get it out: 

This is the first time in the duration of my 6 months in Israel that I have ever woken up and seriously said to myself “I wish I was home.” Never in my life have I witnessed so much hate directed towards others due to religion or race more than in the past 2 days. Also, never in my life have I ever feared for my own safety due to religion and race more than in the last 2 days, and in my 21 years of life I have experienced hate due to both and this has been the worst.

VIOLENCE IS NOT GOING TO STOP VIOLENCE… when are people going to realize that?! If anything productive is ever going to be accomplished, everyone, regardless of religion, regardless of race needs to act intelligently, thoughtfully, and in the way we all strive to live.

Regardless of religion, we all strive to live like how God, Yahweh, Allah, the Heavenly Father – names don’t matter – we are all striving to live like how our CREATOR would want us to live.

I don’t know about you, but the G-D I know, would not want his people to be killing one another, he would not want us killing our brothers and sisters. We are all equal in the eyes of GOD and we are all his children.

Leviticus 19:18 “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.

Mark 12:31 “Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.”

Romans 13:10 “Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. “

Proverbs 24:17 “Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth.”

I have faith in this world and the people within it. I have faith that peace can be reached. But this can only happen when people start thinking and acting with intelligence.

GOD knows all and in the end, when it comes down to it, he knows who truly lived in his way. So please, I ask of everyone to start thinking intelligently, to open your minds, open your hearts, not just to those who are similar, but also to those who are different. As we say in Hawaii, speak with ALOHA, act with ALOHA, share with ALOHA. Lets stop the violence, stop the hate, and start living in the ALOHA way. I know that we, children of GOD, can do this... and GOD knows we can do it too.

God Bless and Aloha"

-Lia Kamana

Happy Birthday Everybody. Love you, Grandma.

So my phone fell in the toilet. A public toilet.

I know what youʻre thinking ... eww.

And a millisecond later, I almost had a heart attack. Not really. Okay... maybe a little. And a half a millisecond later I grabbed it out. My phone was in the toilet for maybe a second at most.

Why did I have a heart attack?

Was it the loss of contacts... no... thatʻs what Facebook is for. I could replace those. Itʻs a bitch to replace ... but replaceable.

Was it the fact that I might have to get a new phone? Nope. Iʻm due for a new phone... and I am going to get one. My phone fell in a public toilet... OF COURSE Iʻm getting a new phone. No amount of clorox and disinfectant is going to make me feel safe around my toilet diving phone.

And I have everything backed up on iCloud and my computer. So there is no worry... right?

So why the drama? Why am I writing this much delayed and highly anticipated blog about my diseased iPhone?

Because... My Grandmothers voicemails. I hadnʻt recorded them and they donʻt automatically backup to anything. I got sick just thinking about all the time I had to record them and how I never did...

But my phone, though throughly disgusting, still works.

I have just listened to and recorded all 32 remaining voicemails from Grandma. Most of them are just her calling me to see how I am doing or to have me call her back.

Just hearing her again...

God, I miss my Grandma.

And so... Here is a little something for everyone. I donʻt think it is anyones Birthday today. Please bookmark this bloggy so that on your Birthday You can listen to it... again.

Happy Birthday EVERYONE.

Love, Aloha and Hugs,

Happy Nathaniel.

"The Culturally Offensive Satirist" or "Another Stupid Racist Bitch"

Aloha My Friends and Family. This blog is a departure from my latest ventures down memory lane. This is more about current events and one woman's attempt... no... this is CNNʻs attempt at what they call humor and satire. I couldnʻt decide on the title so I used two.

Go HERE for the full video from CNN.

Or just click below...

From RYOT.com

"Did CNN just do something super racist? From the looks of it, yeah, albeit unintentionally.Complaints have been made to the network in regards to a story hosted by reporter Jeanne Moos. In it, she discusses Prince William and Kate Middleton’s visit to New Zealand — and the traditional Maori welcome they received.A lot of people are unhappy with the report, in which Moos calls a Maori warrior’s traditional dress an unfit way of meeting the “future king and queen.”The video is tastelessly laced with Maori sound effects, and even refers to a past segment in which a traditional dance was called a cross between a chippendales lap dance and the mating dance of an Emu.Many people are saying Moos’ comments were a sign of “disrespectful and ill-bred ‘journalism.’” Watch the video and decide for yourself how disrespectful it is:
Read more at http://www.ryot.org/video-did-cnn-just-something-super-racist/646053#JXHmo7vpksE7cGGB.99"

Hmm... Iʻd have to seriously disagree with the first statement... I think there is serious INTENT in Jeanne Moos brand of Journalism. Her intent is to slander and disrespect an entire culture by not only making fun of it but also saying it is "unfit" for the likes of the Royal Family. Is it unfit because it is culturally different than that of MOOS Anglocentric worldview?

You do notice that in her video it is the American leaders that dance like Emus... not the English.

From www.heavy.com: 

"The video starts out about Prince George on his first trip abroad to New Zealand with parents Prince William and Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, but quickly devolves into a commentary piece on how "weird" cultures are outside the Anglosphere.
Get it together, CNN."

From Huffington Post: 

"Oh dear, CNN. Just: Oh dear.This may be the most offensive American coverage of events in another country since CBS used Toto's 'Africa' for Nelson Mandela's memorial coverage.Just click play to see CNN reporter Jeanne Moos marvel - in a bemused-slash-borderline-racist sort of way - at the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge's recent encounter with Maori warriors and leaders in New Zealand.From traditional Maori warrior dress to traditional Maori greetings - with a few other non-American countries' traditions chucked in for good measure - prepare to be aghast. Not at the traditions, but at CNN's coverage of them."

The Independent also has a few words to say about the actions of Jeanne Moos. Click HERE for that article.

The writers at the Independent, RYOT, Heavy and Huffington put it lightly. When the cultures of the English and Maori are shown... I SEE is two very different cultures and leaders act with amazing dignity and itʻs really a tribute to both societies. All I HEAR is an IGNORANT, ANGLOCENTRIC CNN reporter named Jeanne Moos mock and belittle the cultural practices of an ENTIRE NATION. She puts down and degrades the dress and the Haka that the Maori people perform.  This is a performance of strength, honor and welcome befitting a King.

She even slides a few more non-American cultures into her disgusting attempt at satire just to get her point across. (I say American because while this story is of the British Royal Family and their travels to New Zealand... Jeanne Moos is American) What was her point? Satire and Humor at the expense of a non-American culture.

My favorite part is when she sticks her uncultured, grotesque and painted face into the camera. She is so ignorant as to make fun of the "rubbing noses" as she puts it, that Prince William and the Duchess do with some Maori elders. The Hawaiian People, my people, are family to the Maori Nation. We have similar cultural practices. In Hawaii that exchange is called the "Ha" or "Breath of Life". That is a traditional way of greeting... by sharing your LIFE Force. 

Do you know the term "Haole"? Do you know what that means... "NO BREATH" "NO LIFE". 

This woman has no soul. No life. She is the epitome of "Haole".

After many "dislikes" and even a Change.org petition for an apology that reached more than 25,000 signatures, CNN has since forced her to "apologize"... and this was her lame, wormy, lifeless apology, "...I do humour and satire, and I am truly sorry if the tone of my story offended anyone,” 

It was not only your tone, CNN and MOOS, but also your content and blatant lack of respect for any and all cultures that you do not understand. Keep your soulless reporting and careless, culture less dead heart in stories you excel at. Stick to cats jumping out of windows, Pot vending machines and Social Mediaʻs blood moon selfie craze, MOOS.

I do realize that some of you reading this maybe shaking your heads thinking that I am being entirely too sensitive. If you are one of these people then you can go away. You can watch the movies of old where white actors wore black face, where the "Natives" are portrayed as ignorants... You can side with the likes of people like Jeanne Moos and whatever CNN producers green lighted this segment. They are just trying to make people laugh, right? My culture and the cultures of non-anglosaxon people have been HISTORICALLY trashed and put down, whether in the name of science, politics or just for a laugh... A little humor and satire at the expense of a beautiful, vibrant culture.

CNN and Jeanne Moos thought this was going to be a funny one. Iʻm not laughing. Millions of degraded "Native" peoples along the ages have dealt with this stupidity over and over again. Iʻm tired of laughing meekly and turning a blind eye. 

Eyes wide open, not laughing and Furiously yours,

Happy Nathaniel

Grandmaʻs House: The Sixth and not so Final Part in my Memories of Grandma.

It has officially been a month and a day. My Grandma is not dead.

Remembering her in state was just plain wrong. Even as the sorrow and pain washed through me as I looked down at her I could not help but think that she should not be in there. She should not be lying there with that angelic smile on her face in that fluffy white casket surrounded by red roses and red lehua and the fragrance of maile wafting from the dozens of lei brought by friends and loved ones.

That wasnʻt my Grandma. I couldnʻt touch her. I didnʻt touch her. I wanted to remember her as that soft, warm pillow of comfort I could always call, always turn to. I didnʻt want to remember her in that casket. That wasnʻt my Grandma. 

Our Grandma.

Damn Facebook. My face is swollen and itʻs a good thing I can type with out looking at the keys to the screen because I canʻt see either. I just watched the footage of all us Grandkids singing “A Maile Lei for Your Hair” at Homelani. It was beautiful. When else will you get us all to sing. But I still refuse! I refuse to believe that my Grandma was in that casket. I canʻt believe it still. 

I could pretend the entire celebration was for someone else. But then wouldnʻt that cheapen the entire thing. That was, by far, the most beautiful celebration of life that I have ever been a part of. Our family did an amazing job. We created floral arrangements, photo collages, a slide show and music and dance. We laughed and cried… Together. To say that we did all of that for a stranger would be wrong of me. But then I would have to admit…

Right now it is 12:19 PM on a stormy, wet, over cast day on the New Jersey Shore. Iʻm looking out at the water wishing that I could remember and forget all at once. I want to remember my Grandma as she should always be remembered… Vital. Alive. Fighting. I want to forget the beautiful images of a month ago. I want to forget the amazing funeral that was my Grandmothers… because I canʻt think of her that way. I canʻt admit that pain. 

So… no admissions here. Just words. I didnʻt think to write anything for awhile. I didnʻt want to relive anything… but since the memories are already flowing… I should get this blog started. 

So it starts…

…

Grandmas House

This blog will not be about that house that everyone knows on Lanikaula St. This is more about what that house stands for. That house is EVERYONEʻS HOME. That is the first home I remember. It is the first address and phone number I memorized. It is the home I have returned to time and time again throughout my life. In my early childhood I grew up there with my cousins. It was the place I would go back to over the course of growing up. The doors were always open. In my young adulthood I lived there during my formidable college years.

That house is home.

It was there that my Family got together after that heart-slashing morning of March 15th. After they wheeled my Grandmother out of the room…

So… I could talk about the bottles of crown royal that we all went through. I could post a picture of all the beer bottles that littered the front yard. Grandma would have been furious… if she hadnʻt been drunk on Crown Royal as well… “Frikken Keedz!”

….

Note: I just thought of something. Here I am bawling me eyes out and wanting to hit something because I am just so stupid angry still… BUT HOW DO YOU THINK GRANDMA FEELS?!?! “Holy Shit!”… HAHAHAHAH YOU KNOW she took one look at God and Jesus and the Angels and whatever and said… “YOU HOLY SHITS!” YOU KNOW Uncle Dicky and Aunty Bernie (My Grandmas bro and sis) had to HOLD HER DOWN! 

HOLY SHITS!!!! That just made me feel better. She didnʻt go down with out a fight here and you KNOW DAMN WELL SHE TOOK THE FIGHT UP THERE! With a heavenly supply of Crown Royal, of course.
…

It was in the Hours and Days that followed that the celebration for Our Grandmother took shape. The first… Picking ʻopala to make wreaths… something grandma love to make and love to receive. This was predominately Kila and Jannaʻs project. Everyone was invited to make one. And we spent an entire day doing so. This kept our hands busy and our minds creative. Itʻs something Grandma would have done. Thank you to Chelsea and everyone who were the masterminds behind this creative spark. These wreathes were hung up on a beautiful yellow hawaiian print board, framed with Ti-Leaf. This beautiful display was made by Chelsea. These wreathes were placed on the casket at Homelani. These wreathes signified our diligence and creativity… two things we learned from Grandma. 

I was there when Kaeo did the mock up for the Ti-Leaf Kahili that was placed so royally at each side of Grandma. And that heart arrangement... It was a stroke of Creative Hawaiian Genius. Thank you Kaeo. Thank you for letting me help you and everyone put those together. They were beautiful.

Aunty Rocki began to think up a menu and mentioned Portuguese Bean Soup. So Aunty Lorie decided to make sweet bread when she was back in Oahu. Anyone who was in Oahu and could make it… got to help make, bless and bake the sweet bread that was served. Thank you to Aunty Lorie for carrying on this tradition. 

As soon as a slide show was discussed at the Funeral Home it was immediately decided that Kristian would be perfect. Her talents proved more that amazing. The slide show she provided was filled with love, tears and remembrance. Thank you Kristian.

Aunty Rocki, Kehau and Kahanu… I love you and I am Thanking you together because I know you donʻt like to be singled out. You like to be in the background… always supporting. Thank you ALL for EVERYTHING. Food prep, hugs, DA BIG picture board, hugs, programs, hugs, farts (Kahanu) and hugs. Thank you for supporting each other and our family. You are Awesome.

“A Maile Lei for Your Hair.”… A song that reminded Grandma of her love for her little sister, Aunty Bernie. Thank you to Leimaile and Kaeo for heading this effort! Thank you also to Aunty Lyndell for finding us the perfect Key to sing it in. That was a beautiful way for all of us to honor our Grandmothers love of music and Family. She was proud.

Thank you to my Mom. Thank you for teaching me how to Haku. That was my gift to my Grandpa and in turn Grandpa gave it to Grandma. 

EVERYONE did something to help in this effort. Thank you. 

…

Iʻm going to stop here. Why? Because Iʻm tired. I think Grandma wants me to remember the love and pain and tears and laughter and joy and…. HER. But I know she doesnʻt want me to dwell in it. I know there will still be moments that I will want to call her just to catch up or to hear her complain about someone or something… usually Grandpa and her Computer… But instead I will call YOU.

I will call YOU. I will keep in touch with YOU. I will see YOU at Grandmaʻs House.

I love YOU.

Happy Nathaniel

…

PS… The title of My next bloggy will be “Grandmaʻs Fourth Great-Grandchild” or “The Filipinos and Koreans Throw a Party”. Until then…

Grandmas Love: Fifth part in my Memories of Grandma

Aloha My Family and Friends...

I should name these stories the “Airport Diaries.” Im sitting in the Newark Airport in New Jersey waiting for yet another flight. Another Severely Delayed Flight. I am on my way back to Hilo for Grandmaʻs Services. I hate having to write that. It is as if these journals have become my painful proof of my Grandmothers passing. By writing this all down I am assuring that I didnʻt dream up some nightmare, Itʻs not just another story that I need to write. It is my story.

I like to write fiction. This is not fiction. Non-fiction. The characters are real. The plot isnʻt some well-conceived drama of my mind. It happened. The feelings that drip and flow onto the little pixels of my computer are true. 

Thank you for reading my truth, my Family and Friends. Thank you for reliving these moments with me. I need you. I need you to read. You may not understand, you may not agree or you may not grasp everything fully… Or you might. Either way… thank you. If you haven't already please read these other blogs in the order listed. Its just better that way.

1)Grandmas Voice
2)Grandmas Hands
3)Grandmas Smile
4)Grandmas Strength

…

Grandmaʻs LOVE

Grandma... You weren't perfect. I have written that you were honest but sometimes your honesty was too biting and sometimes just plain hurtful and wrong. Anyone who was ever on that side of your wrath knew how it felt to be choked by your love. 

Love isn't always beautiful. You taught us that sometimes you can love so hard that it blinds you. Sometimes, out of love, you can hurt. Your lessons were not always filled with hugs and kisses... In fact, I know of a few times (especially in my college years) where you told me where to stick it. I know of a few times where you'd let your family and friends understand the YOU WERE NOT HAPPY... And you wouldn't keep it to yourself... you'd let others know that fact as well.

So what. You were not perfect. And neither are we. I'm not going to pretend you were. This is not why I'm writing about you. I want everyone to remember you as the highly stubborn, insanely loving, highly volatile, colorful woman that led our family.

I love you Grandma. I can only pray to one day have half the attitude you had.

…

And talking about attitude… since this is going to find itʻs way onto Facebook minutes after I post it on to Blogger… Let me discuss briefly about FACEBOOK. My Grandma, OUR GRANDMA, was famous for her Facebook posts. Especially the ones in which she scolded, berated, angered, chided… you name it… she said it! My favorite was posts in which she would let everyone know that I hadnʻt called her back. I loved those. I remember once I was able to call she would remind me that I hadnʻt called. I told Grandma, “Yes, I know. I saw it on Facebook.”

So in my last blog I spoke about the “NEWS” getting post on our lovely Facebook BEFORE the immediate family was able to contact everyone. THIS WAS ALLOWED. One of the “higher ups” said it was okay. No harm was done and I donʻt think anyone inadvertently found out because of it. 

If you go back and read Grandmas post of the last month… you can see where here mind was going. She was going to God. Her posts were celebratory and full of love. I think she knew something was going to happen. 

I just wish I had paid attention more. Lesson learned. Pay more attention. Love a little more… even on Facebook. Like it or not… Facebook has become a venue in which we can all share. There are somethings that should not be shared, of course. But I think, in cases such as this one… it is better to tread with love than to create another bad memory.

…

Love.

I love you, my family. 

My brother is weeping in my arms and if not for my Fathers and Sisters added support, both physically and emotionally, I would have fallen.

We all tell Kepa, “You are here. You are in Hawaii and you can still say goodbye to Grandma. She knew you were coming…”

I see Jason drive back up to the side walk and I gather my family to meet him there. More hugs ensue and I take the keys from Jason. I need to drive. I need to do something that will distract me from the turmoil in me.

We arrive at the hospital and rush upstairs to room 330. Everyone is walking out. They say Grandma is being taken to the Chapel there in the hospital. I donʻt want to follow everyone there. I want to see my Grandma. I want to wake her up. I want her to look at me with the unfathomable love that shown through her eyes. I want to feel the warm love in her embrace. I want my Grandma to be vibrant and healthy and…

I donʻt argue. My mom and her sisters are in the room. They will wake up Grandma. They will give Grandma the love and care she needs. I will see Grandma soon. 

I hug and kiss family as we tread downstairs. I see Aunty Sweetie, my Grandmothers first Daughter… her Sweetie. My Aunty gives me the biggest hug and hands me Grandmas pink and orange blanket. I hold onto that blanket as if my own child were wrapped in it. I put it around me and imagine that my Grandmother is holding me even as I walk into the chapel where she lies.

To explain, to write, to lay down everything that happened in that moment… that last hour in which we all would be able to feel our Grandmother warmth, to see her in her last moment… that would be near impossible. And I will try to remember.

The first thing I remember is the amount of love that vibrated with in that little chapel. It was filled with FAMILY. There must have been at least fifty people there. This had all just happened and already we were in the embrace of so much family. 

The second… is laying Grandmas blanket back on top of her. She looked so colorless in her hospital gown and white sheet. I lay that bright pink and orange blanket down and kneeled so that I could lay on her chest. I thought I might hear her breath. I thought I would feel her heart beat under my ear. I listened and broke. The little hope that I had held in my heart broke…

…I know that through out these memories I have said time and time again that i wish Grandma was here. Or that I feel as if Iʻm going to receive a phone call at anytime. But I know thatʻs not going to happen. I just donʻt want to believe it. So please… leave me to my dreams, lies, imagination… whatever you want to call it…let me have them. Please.

It was in this exact moment that I had hoped beyond hope that Grandmaʻs heart would still be beating. I tried to infuse the love within me and within everyone in the room back into her body. She was still warm. Still soft. Her mouth was slightly open as if to take a breath. I held onto her for as long as I could. I would hold on until I could hear her heart beat. But It didnʻt. Her heart was silent. She was not breathing. She did not respond to my touch, my plea.

Please wake up Grandma. Please.

There is a blur of music and memories. Kahanu and I, The eldest Grandson and Granddaughter… we say words. Heartfelt words. We toast to Grandma with the drink of the Nathaniel Family.

Crown Royal.

I canʻt take mine so I pour it into the Hawaiian Salt water that my mom is mixing to bless everyone. Yep… If you were there, you were blessed with Crown Royal. I think that had been Micah or Keanuʻs idea. Heh... maybe it was mine...

Another memory that stands out… My Grandpa. Heʻs sitting by Our Grandmaʻs side. He is silently supporting Our Grandmother, like he always has. Our Grandfather… I sit on the ground next to him and of course someone tells I shouldnʻt be on the ground. They are right. My belly is making it impossible for me to be comfortable in positions that were once second nature for me to sit in. I just wanted to feel like his little Granddaughter again. To feel the strength and love of my Grandfather. I sit in a chair and I hug him.

He looks at me a smiles a watery smile. He asks, “Pili, you think Grandma going let me sleep in tomorrow morning.” He laughs a little. The sorrow that radiates from him is thick. My Grandfather is trying to fight it right along with the rest of us.

I smile up at my Grandfather and I tell him, “Probably not.”

He laughs.

…

Grandma was never afraid to speak her mind. She complained about us all. I want to say it was because she loved us, but I donʻt think that is exactly right. She complained because she had HOPES for us. She had needs and wants just like all of us. She wanted you to pay attention to her and learn. She wanted to talk to you. She wanted to cook for you and wanted you to do the dishes. She wanted you to live in her house and in her love FOREVER AND she wanted you to get your own love, life, and home. She didnʻt complain because she loved us… HER LOVE WAS STEADY and NEVER WAVERING NO MATTER OUR INDIVIDUAL FAULTS… She just had hope for us. Hope that we would all continue to grow and become the better, loving, courageous, extraordinary people she knew we could all be.

As I said before… Our Grandmother wasnʻt perfect. Not perfect. Thatʻs boring. In her cookbook she actually describes herself pretty well…

“All in all, I know I am a good and kind daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, Aunty and friend. There are a lot more stories to be told, but Iʻm at a stand still. Maybe someone else will write another page or book. Till then, Aloha 

Lovingly,
Ma, Grandma, Aunty, Aunty Grandma and Violet”

Love you Grandma. I will write until I am also at a standstill. I will be good and kind... with attitude. 

Love you all,

Happy Nathaniel

PS… I think the next Memory will be of “Grandmaʻs House” but… I might change my mind and start writing about … well … whatever I please. Like Grandma.