Grandmas Love: Fifth part in my Memories of Grandma

Aloha My Family and Friends...

I should name these stories the “Airport Diaries.” Im sitting in the Newark Airport in New Jersey waiting for yet another flight. Another Severely Delayed Flight. I am on my way back to Hilo for Grandmaʻs Services. I hate having to write that. It is as if these journals have become my painful proof of my Grandmothers passing. By writing this all down I am assuring that I didnʻt dream up some nightmare, Itʻs not just another story that I need to write. It is my story.

I like to write fiction. This is not fiction. Non-fiction. The characters are real. The plot isnʻt some well-conceived drama of my mind. It happened. The feelings that drip and flow onto the little pixels of my computer are true. 

Thank you for reading my truth, my Family and Friends. Thank you for reliving these moments with me. I need you. I need you to read. You may not understand, you may not agree or you may not grasp everything fully… Or you might. Either way… thank you. If you haven't already please read these other blogs in the order listed. Its just better that way.

1)Grandmas Voice
2)Grandmas Hands
3)Grandmas Smile
4)Grandmas Strength

…

Grandmaʻs LOVE

Grandma... You weren't perfect. I have written that you were honest but sometimes your honesty was too biting and sometimes just plain hurtful and wrong. Anyone who was ever on that side of your wrath knew how it felt to be choked by your love. 

Love isn't always beautiful. You taught us that sometimes you can love so hard that it blinds you. Sometimes, out of love, you can hurt. Your lessons were not always filled with hugs and kisses... In fact, I know of a few times (especially in my college years) where you told me where to stick it. I know of a few times where you'd let your family and friends understand the YOU WERE NOT HAPPY... And you wouldn't keep it to yourself... you'd let others know that fact as well.

So what. You were not perfect. And neither are we. I'm not going to pretend you were. This is not why I'm writing about you. I want everyone to remember you as the highly stubborn, insanely loving, highly volatile, colorful woman that led our family.

I love you Grandma. I can only pray to one day have half the attitude you had.

…

And talking about attitude… since this is going to find itʻs way onto Facebook minutes after I post it on to Blogger… Let me discuss briefly about FACEBOOK. My Grandma, OUR GRANDMA, was famous for her Facebook posts. Especially the ones in which she scolded, berated, angered, chided… you name it… she said it! My favorite was posts in which she would let everyone know that I hadnʻt called her back. I loved those. I remember once I was able to call she would remind me that I hadnʻt called. I told Grandma, “Yes, I know. I saw it on Facebook.”

So in my last blog I spoke about the “NEWS” getting post on our lovely Facebook BEFORE the immediate family was able to contact everyone. THIS WAS ALLOWED. One of the “higher ups” said it was okay. No harm was done and I donʻt think anyone inadvertently found out because of it. 

If you go back and read Grandmas post of the last month… you can see where here mind was going. She was going to God. Her posts were celebratory and full of love. I think she knew something was going to happen. 

I just wish I had paid attention more. Lesson learned. Pay more attention. Love a little more… even on Facebook. Like it or not… Facebook has become a venue in which we can all share. There are somethings that should not be shared, of course. But I think, in cases such as this one… it is better to tread with love than to create another bad memory.

…

Love.

I love you, my family. 

My brother is weeping in my arms and if not for my Fathers and Sisters added support, both physically and emotionally, I would have fallen.

We all tell Kepa, “You are here. You are in Hawaii and you can still say goodbye to Grandma. She knew you were coming…”

I see Jason drive back up to the side walk and I gather my family to meet him there. More hugs ensue and I take the keys from Jason. I need to drive. I need to do something that will distract me from the turmoil in me.

We arrive at the hospital and rush upstairs to room 330. Everyone is walking out. They say Grandma is being taken to the Chapel there in the hospital. I donʻt want to follow everyone there. I want to see my Grandma. I want to wake her up. I want her to look at me with the unfathomable love that shown through her eyes. I want to feel the warm love in her embrace. I want my Grandma to be vibrant and healthy and…

I donʻt argue. My mom and her sisters are in the room. They will wake up Grandma. They will give Grandma the love and care she needs. I will see Grandma soon. 

I hug and kiss family as we tread downstairs. I see Aunty Sweetie, my Grandmothers first Daughter… her Sweetie. My Aunty gives me the biggest hug and hands me Grandmas pink and orange blanket. I hold onto that blanket as if my own child were wrapped in it. I put it around me and imagine that my Grandmother is holding me even as I walk into the chapel where she lies.

To explain, to write, to lay down everything that happened in that moment… that last hour in which we all would be able to feel our Grandmother warmth, to see her in her last moment… that would be near impossible. And I will try to remember.

The first thing I remember is the amount of love that vibrated with in that little chapel. It was filled with FAMILY. There must have been at least fifty people there. This had all just happened and already we were in the embrace of so much family. 

The second… is laying Grandmas blanket back on top of her. She looked so colorless in her hospital gown and white sheet. I lay that bright pink and orange blanket down and kneeled so that I could lay on her chest. I thought I might hear her breath. I thought I would feel her heart beat under my ear. I listened and broke. The little hope that I had held in my heart broke…

…I know that through out these memories I have said time and time again that i wish Grandma was here. Or that I feel as if Iʻm going to receive a phone call at anytime. But I know thatʻs not going to happen. I just donʻt want to believe it. So please… leave me to my dreams, lies, imagination… whatever you want to call it…let me have them. Please.

It was in this exact moment that I had hoped beyond hope that Grandmaʻs heart would still be beating. I tried to infuse the love within me and within everyone in the room back into her body. She was still warm. Still soft. Her mouth was slightly open as if to take a breath. I held onto her for as long as I could. I would hold on until I could hear her heart beat. But It didnʻt. Her heart was silent. She was not breathing. She did not respond to my touch, my plea.

Please wake up Grandma. Please.

There is a blur of music and memories. Kahanu and I, The eldest Grandson and Granddaughter… we say words. Heartfelt words. We toast to Grandma with the drink of the Nathaniel Family.

Crown Royal.

I canʻt take mine so I pour it into the Hawaiian Salt water that my mom is mixing to bless everyone. Yep… If you were there, you were blessed with Crown Royal. I think that had been Micah or Keanuʻs idea. Heh... maybe it was mine...

Another memory that stands out… My Grandpa. Heʻs sitting by Our Grandmaʻs side. He is silently supporting Our Grandmother, like he always has. Our Grandfather… I sit on the ground next to him and of course someone tells I shouldnʻt be on the ground. They are right. My belly is making it impossible for me to be comfortable in positions that were once second nature for me to sit in. I just wanted to feel like his little Granddaughter again. To feel the strength and love of my Grandfather. I sit in a chair and I hug him.

He looks at me a smiles a watery smile. He asks, “Pili, you think Grandma going let me sleep in tomorrow morning.” He laughs a little. The sorrow that radiates from him is thick. My Grandfather is trying to fight it right along with the rest of us.

I smile up at my Grandfather and I tell him, “Probably not.”

He laughs.

…

Grandma was never afraid to speak her mind. She complained about us all. I want to say it was because she loved us, but I donʻt think that is exactly right. She complained because she had HOPES for us. She had needs and wants just like all of us. She wanted you to pay attention to her and learn. She wanted to talk to you. She wanted to cook for you and wanted you to do the dishes. She wanted you to live in her house and in her love FOREVER AND she wanted you to get your own love, life, and home. She didnʻt complain because she loved us… HER LOVE WAS STEADY and NEVER WAVERING NO MATTER OUR INDIVIDUAL FAULTS… She just had hope for us. Hope that we would all continue to grow and become the better, loving, courageous, extraordinary people she knew we could all be.

As I said before… Our Grandmother wasnʻt perfect. Not perfect. Thatʻs boring. In her cookbook she actually describes herself pretty well…

“All in all, I know I am a good and kind daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, Aunty and friend. There are a lot more stories to be told, but Iʻm at a stand still. Maybe someone else will write another page or book. Till then, Aloha 

Lovingly,
Ma, Grandma, Aunty, Aunty Grandma and Violet”

Love you Grandma. I will write until I am also at a standstill. I will be good and kind... with attitude. 

Love you all,

Happy Nathaniel

PS… I think the next Memory will be of “Grandmaʻs House” but… I might change my mind and start writing about … well … whatever I please. Like Grandma.