Grandmas Strength: The fourth part of my Memories of Grandma.

My Family and Friends… I am really tired. These journals are hard. Every moment I delve back into the memories I feel weak, ripped raw and my poor computer receives a Hilo Rain flood of tears. But after I put the final edit and find a few pictures and click the “post” button I feel this overwhelming sense of gratitude. I am thankful that I am here and that I can share my stories of my Grandma. Thank you for reading. If you haven't already… check out the first three blogs in this series of memories. 

I know I said the title of this piece would be Grandmaʻs House or maybe Grandmaʻs Love… but itʻs my blog and I can change things if I want to. And… after I started writing I realized that the title didnʻt fit. I will save that title for another day and another story. Instead this chapter will be titled…

...

Grandmas Strength

...

I really just want to crawl into bed right now. I want to curl up next to Jason and close my eyes and…

APRIL FOOLS!!! Itʻs about 1:30 AM on April 1st, 2014. I canʻt sleep. I close my eyes anyway and wake up a few hours later to the sound of my phone ringing. I look at my iPhone and a picture of my Grandma and Grandpa, smiling, pops up on my phone. Itʻs my Grandma calling to tell me this has just been one big April Fools Day Joke. I laugh and tell Grandma, “Good one.”

This wish is definitely foolish. 

Instead of foolish wishing… back to March 15th, 2014:

…

I let go of Jason and search for my sister. It is almost time to pick up my Dad and Brother from the airport. 

I donʻt know how I am going to tell them. I donʻt know how I am going to tell my little brother that our Grandmother is gone. Passed. Expired. What words will I use? How will it come out? This is a memory that I will create for him that will be burned into his memory and how can I possibly do that to my little brother.

Then my Mom walks out of my Grandfathers room. 

My Mom has just told her Father that his wife has passed away. My Mom had the strength to deliver to my Grandfather that painful, soul-shattering truth. In that moment I am faced with the incredible strength and powerful love of my Mom. I realize that as hard as it will be for me to tell my brother… telling someone… telling your Dad that his wife, the woman he chose to love and cherish… the woman who cared for him… the woman who gave him his children… telling your Dad that his wife has died…

I cannot even fathom finding those words within my heart. But she did. I heard her. I will never forget the love and strength my Mom had in that moment.

My Mom walks out of Grandpaʻs room and I let her know that Jason, Leimaile and I are going to get Dad and Kepa. We discuss it and decide it is best for us to tell them at the airport and drive directly up to the hospital after.

All of a sudden tensions rise in the house. Someone has posted on Facebook. Everyone is LIVID. Not everyone knows. My BROTHER doesnʻt KNOW!!! I can only hope that the post was after he got on the plane and that he doesnʻt check when he lands. 

If you have ever been on the receiving end of a scolding by Grandma on Facebook… you understand what the words TOUGH LOVE mean. She was brutal. And we were too. Aunty Lorie called everyone to try to get this taken off Facebook. 

It was a very bad mistake that was soon rectified. 

A few more things are discussed and we are all look… lonely. In these first few moments I think we were all alone in our individual loss. The loss of Grandmaʻs love left us all cold and wandering. I saw that in the depths of us all. I felt it in my heart. Even with the strength of our family around us… there is a sort of loneliness in grief.

I give my Mom a hug and kiss. I look to Kaeo. Both he and my Mom with the help of Aunty Lorie, Uncle Scotty and Kristian will care for Grandpa. I want to care for my Grandpa as well. I want to go up to the hospital to wake up Grandma…

Instead, I hand the keys to Jason so that he can drive and with Leimaile we head to the Airport. We will rush over to the hospital after.

It takes five minutes to drive to the airport from Grandmas house and we are early. I speak to my cousin Daniel. Daniel canʻt speak. He can hardly form words and our call is short. I speak with my Aunty Kathy Babayan. She will tell that side of the family as well as our friends at Hale Lokahi, one of the churches that my Grandmother loved. My eyes hurt as I scroll down my contacts list looking for people to call. 

Kepa texts: “Weʻve just landed.”

I look at Leimaile and ask Jason to drop us off at the front of the airport. I walk toward the receiving area. I was in such a daze that I donʻt remember where Leimaile went in these first few moments. I feel strangely alone. I look up and see my Dad strut up to me with a big smile.

He looks at me and I think he knows. He hugs me and I tell him immediately. 

“Grandma passed away this morning.” 

His everlasting always smiling face falls as he gathers me in his arms. I want to cry on my Daddyʻs shoulder… but then I remember the strength of my Mom. She held on until she told her father. 

Over my fathers shoulder, I see this tall thinly muscular long-haired Hawaiian bound over to us. I let go of my Dad and put a smile on my face. Kepa is so excited and happy and bright. I was to live in his world. A world where our Grandmother is still with us. A world of light. I look at my Dad as Kepa bends down to kiss my belly. In my eyes I think my Dad sees what I am trying to convey. 

I will tell Kepa.

Leimaile appears and we talk and walk to a more secluded spot. Kepa raps on about lots of things… but I canʻt concentrate on anything except him. He throws his things onto a bench and he finally looks at me.

“Kepa…”

“No…”

More words are said... but words really do not matter in this crushing moment. Leimailes arms wrap around our brother from behind as he keels forward into my arms. I feel my little brother as if he was the little baby I raised. I feel the little boy sob in the heart of the man he has become. My little brother breaks in my arms.

My Dad wraps his arms around us all and we are all kids again. 

…

Tuesday, April 2nd, 2014. 12:08 AM… I am slowly coming to the realization that my Grandmother has died. Slowly. I was there and so were you. You saw her. She was still warm. Still soft. So much so that I thought she could have been sleeping. I think Iʻve put it into my head that she is just sleeping. She will wake up and call me... 

But it is no longer April first and I am not a fool. I must put foolish thoughts aside and have the strength to carry on. Strength my Grandmother would have wanted me to have.

Earlier today, as Jason and I were driving to our ultrasound appointment, I almost broke. I looked down at my ever-expanding belly and I began to tear. Our baby will never know my Grandmother. Her voice. Her hands. Her smile. Her amazing capacity to LOVE. Baby will never know how it feels to be held by her. To have her tell a story of her youth. To have her smile that brilliant smile. Baby will never know how strong my Grandmother was.

… IF I do not teach.

Our Grandmother taught us all. She taught my Mom and her sisters and in turn I was also taught.

I must teach our baby how to tell a story.

I must teach our baby to SMILE just to show the world your gratitude for LIFE.

I must teach our baby how to have an OPEN, LOVING HEART.

I must teach our baby that HANDS were made for CREATING.

I will teach our baby what it means to be STRONG.

Strong like my Grandma.

One of my favorite pictures of our Grandmother.

Have Strength, my Friends and Family. 

Aloha,

Happy Nathaniel

PS... Here is something for your hands to create... It goes great with the Sweet Bread Recipe I posted a few days back. 

PORTUGUESE BEAN SOUP

2 cups red kidney beans - canned or dried
1-2 lbs. ham hock or canned ham - cut into bite sized pieces
1 medium round onion, chopped fine
2 cloves garlic, chopped fine
1 stalk celery, chopped fine
2 quarts water or more if needed
2 to 2 potatoes, cut into 1 inch cubes
1 large carrot, cut into 1 inch cubes
salt and pepper to taste
1 tsp allspice
1 can tomato sauce or paste
1 cup macaroni

If using dried beans, wash and soak beans in water over nite.

Boil ham hocks in water (2 quarts) until tender. Take ham out and cut into bite sized pieces. Put back in pot and add onions, celery, garlic, beans, tomato sauce, allspice, salt and pepper and simmer for 15-20 minutes. Add carrots and potatoes. Cook for about 15 minutes then add macaroni. Cook until macaroni is cooked. If seasoning is needed, add. Any type of vegetables may be added.

When using canned ham, and/or canned beans, boil everything together.