Iʻm sorry Tūtū.

Iʻve been racking my brain trying to figure out what to write about my Tūtū. It suddenly came to me as I was telling my son about his Tūtū Nui...

"Iʻm sorry Tūtū."

Iʻm sorry I didnʻt stand to speak when my Dad was finished with your beautiful eulogy. The priest sorta gave me the heebeegeebeez and my timing seemed off during the entire thing. I didn't get back in the church to sit with my family. I didn't get to take communion... the priest just passed me by. Think he didn't like the fact that I was breast-feeding in church... you probably wouldn't have liked it either, Tūtū. Plus, I just didnʻt know what to say. Your passing has left me at a loss of words... And I think itʻs because I never got to say goodbye. So if you never say goodbye that means a person can never truly leave... right?

Iʻm sorry I havenʻt been around. You kept telling me I should move back to Hawaii. "Be a teacher"... you used to say. "We need more teachers"... Iʻm not sorry I didnʻt become a teacher in the State of Hawaii. Tūtū... the kukae my Mom has to deal with on the regular would make you so angry!

Iʻm sorry you didnʻt get to meet your Great-Grandson. I really wanted to place him in your arms.. Iʻm sorry we missed that moment. But I know you hold him in your heart everytime you look down on us.

Remember that handsome man you met... that is his Daddy.

Iʻm sorry I didnʻt visit more often. Alex said it correctly when we were sitting down to dinner, "Pili, you were always around. And then all of a sudden... you werenʻt." I should have been there to help you. I should have called more and talked with you more. I am sorry about all the time I missed with you these last fifteenish years. I moved away without thinking how much I would miss. I am blessed with great experiences and a loving and amazing family... but I missed you. I missed seeing you.

I know you would say not to live your life with regret... but the truth is that I regret not being able to do more for you and with you.

Thank you for being my Tūtū.

Now, no more apologies...

Our beautiful Tūtū.

I love you Tūtū. I miss you.

Love,

Your Granddaughter,

Pilialoha



Your Great-Grandson... looking up. Looking for you Tūtū.