Grandmaʻs Voice. First part.

Grandmaʻs Voice.

I am sitting on my brothers bed listening to the sound of my Grandmotherʻs voice. I have about a dozen or so old messages dating well into 2012. In most of the messages she is just calling to check on me. In some of the messages she tells me briefly about something that is happening within the family. In all the messages… she wants me to call her back.

I wish I could call you back, Grandma.

A few days before Jason and I were to fly to Hawaii from New Jersey to surprise my little sis (Leimaile)for her 21st birthday I received a text from my Aunty Rocki:

“Ma in Hospital. Slipped yesterday. Small Fracture to coccyx. Doing ok. Morphine for pain & PT (physical therapy). In good spirits. Just sore ass. Hard to move. Will be in at least a week. At least she can communicate her needs well enough that I donʻt need to stay… Luv u.”

After dealing with a rare blood disease for sixteen years plus multiple heath problems including a dead spleen, I thought this was a piece of cake in the life of my Grandmother. I also knew that if this was serious, my Aunty would have not left her side and would have alerted me immediately. I was not worried as I dialed up the hospital and asked for Katherine Violet Nathaniel.

My Aunty Rocki picked up the phone and after a few words to assess the situation with her she gave the phone to Grandma.

I could hear the pain in her voice and tried desperately to ignore it so that I could keep my voice light and cheery. I joked with her about falling on her butt and how even I had a bigger butt than her. I heard her laugh a little. I tried my best to cheer her up. I even let her know that I would be coming in.(Even though you all know Grandma is probably one of the worst people to tell a secret to) I told her that Kepa (my brother) and I were coming in and we would visit within the next week. She seemed a little calmer as we spoke and I would have continued but she had to go into physical therapy. So I reluctantly let her go and after letting Aunty Rocki know that I would be there soon, I hung up.

That was the last time I got to speak with my Grandmother.

We arrived in Honolulu on March 11th 2014. That night my mom receives a series of phone calls letting her know that, somehow, Grandmaʻs condition has taken a bad turn. We donʻt really get any otter information besides that. Really, I did not want to hear anything worse and I am fairly certain that my family in Hilo did not want to give it. Worry is beginning to set in but I KNOW that my Aunty Rocki or someone would say if it was REALLY BAD.

The next day I called Kehau. 

Kehau is my Aunty Rockiʻs eldest daughter, my cousin, and before 1993, the closest thing that I had to sister when we were kids. She is the one who bit me and played Barbie with me and learned all the crafts from Grandma with me. She is the one that got all the pink stuff and Strawberry Shortcake while I got the purple stuff and Rainbow Bright. She along with my Aunty and Uncle and her brothers and sister became a part of the primary care of my Grandma.
So I called Kehau.

She explained the situation. Grandma had been given an assortment of drugs to deal with the pain and because of that, she wasnʻt waking up. Kehau said to get on a plane and come to Hilo.

We booked a flight for the next evening.

Arriving in Hilo at about 730 pm I called Kehau as soon as we landed. She said that visiting hours closed at 8pm but to tell the Security that my Grandmother was TERMINAL.

TERMINAL. That was the first time I had heard that word said to describe Grandmas condition. My Mom, Jason and I rushed over to Hilo Hospital to plead with the security to let us in. We saw my Aunty Cori as we walked across the street. She said to tell the security that Grandma was TERMINAL. 

At this point I wanted to stop and have someone explain to me why they were using that word. But there wasnʻt time. We dove into the doors of the Hospital and were greeted by a very long line of FAMILY. It took a good ten-fifteen minutes to kiss and hug family members I had not seen in months. The security let us in without question. I think he knew that if we were not allowed in, then heʻd have to deal with a group of about 30 irate Nathaniels.

We found Grandmas room. I saw Grandma. At that moment, no one needed to explain what terminal meant. Her face was devoid of the vivacity it usually had. She was skinny and gray. But… there was still hope in my heart and in the faces of my Family including that of my Aunty Rocki and my Grandpa who greeted us as soon as we walked into the room.

I tried to talk with my Grandma. She would not get up. She had not gotten up for two days. She had not eaten anything for two days and because her arms were swelling… she could not even take an IV. 

…

I really want to call you right now Grandma. I want to hear that youʻre, “taking it one day at a time.” I want to hear you laugh about something…Argue and complain about something or someone else. I want you to ask me how I am doing. I want you to tell me how cold it is on the mainland… even though I know… because I live there. Please Grandma. Please call me.

Iʻll try to write more tomorrow. I just cannot write anymore tonight…

I love you my Family and Friends.

Aloha,

Happy Nathaniel

PS… If there is someone… especially your Grandma or Grandpa… who you haven't called, visited or talked with for awhile… Call them. Old voicemail messages are a poor replacement for the real thing.