Grandmas Smile: Part three of My memories of Grandma

Aloha, my Family and Friends. As I have mentioned previously... you can read my chaotic brain scribbles in any order that suits you but if you want to see how the dots connect, Please read my other two blogs. 1) GRANDMAS VOICE and 2) GRANDMAS HANDS. 

Conrad and Violet Nathaniel. My Grandpa and Grandma

Grandmas Smile.

2:58 AM - Friday, March 28th, 2014: Iʻve become a little afraid of opening my computer these days. Just a little flutter of unease. Or maybe thats just the little baby in my tummy wiggling in my uterus. Either way, writing has become a tinsy bit harder. 

I donʻt know what is going to come out. Last night, I thought about what I might write today and how I might start. I thought about my Grandmother and her beautiful smile. Do you want to know what came out?

Selfishness. Anger. Resentment. All the things Iʻve been telling myself that I did not feel. 

I RESENT myself for not being there more while she was sick. I HATE that I wasnʻt there. I HATE that my life choices took me away from her. I wish I could have made more time. That even when I did live on the Big Island I hardly got to see my Grandma. I HATE myself for not making more time. 

I am ANGRY that she left. If I ever see the stupid doctors that gave her those pain killers I will hurt them. There will be no painkiller strong enough to shield them from my ANGER. I BLAME THEM. I BLAME GOD. I HATE that God decided it was time for her to go. I Hate that she couldnʻt pull through like she ALWAYS DID. I hate that her body gave up. I hate that her BODY wasnʻt STRONG ENOUGH to STAY. SHE WANTED TO STAY AND WHY DIDNʻT YOU LET HER!!! HER MIND WAS SCREAMING TO STAY!

I am so SELFISH. I want my Grandmother. MY Grandma! She was MINE. She was YOURS. She was every bodies. AND SHE WAS MINE! I want her to hold me, to hold ALL OF US and tell us that she loves us. I am so selfish. I want to sit with her and talk and have her teach me ONE MORE THING. I donʻt care what. I miss being taught by her. I am so so very selfish…

This is all wrong... I know that this is all the worst things I could possibly say. But as Grandma would probably write  "If you donʻt like how it tastes... MAKE YOUR OWN!

I want to see my Grandma smile. Please. Just one more smile. Maybe if I had had that, this would have been easier...

…

Grandma. 

We all went to bed that night thinking the worst but hoping… praying for the best. I knew you would wake up the next day. I knew that Leimaile would sing a “Maile Lei for Your Hair” and you would wake up. Your arms and hands would lift to the sound of the music and you would dance in bed for us. You would smile at all of us. I knew you would pull though. 

I know you didnʻt want to leave. I know you fought. I know you were trying to ask us to help you and we tried. We all tried. The Doctors and Nurses. They tried. Your Brothers. Your Husband only left your side to sleep and eat. Like you would have wanted him to. The rest of the time… he was there… Trying. Your Daughters. They tried. Your Grandchildren… tried so hard. Your Great-Grandchildren, Cousins, Friends. We all tried to help…

…

March 15, 2014. We got the phone call. Aunty Lorie had tried to call my mom and I but finally got a hold of Leimaile. As soon as I heard her phone ring I was up. I didnʻt move from my curled up position in the comfort of the hotel bed. Maybe I could pretend that the phone call hadnʻt come. I could close my eyes and fade back into happier dreams.

Leimaile answers and gives the phone to my Mom. My moms voice is calm, giving nothing away. She says something about it being her responsibility to tell him and hangs up. I didnʻt really catch the conversation. I didnʻt really want to catch it. My momʻs voice rings over me, Leimaile and Jason.

“Grandma expired a few minutes ago.”

Expired. Thatʻs not a word my Mom would use. It must have been said by the doctor, the nurse. I can feel itʻs usefulness as I type. That word is so much easier to say than all the alternatives. It gives everything a mechanical baring to it. Sterile. 

Expired. Much easier to say than Passed or Died. 

Expired.

I curl into myself. Expired. I will the pain as far away as possible. Jason puts his arms around me, trying to protect me from the onslaught of sorrow. I sob. It feels so good in his arms… but he canʻt protect me from what is already inside. The Pain recedes enough for me to stand and go to my sister. I hold her for a bit and turn to my Mom. My sister, Jason and I all gather our arms around her. 

My Mom says she woke up at 4 AM with the feeling that she should go to the hospital. She knew something was wrong. I tell her she couldn't have known. None of us believed this would happen. She is in a state of … shock? No… responsibility. 

She says she has to tell my Grandfather.

We all click into work mode. The sorrow comes in tides. Ebbing and flowing but we need to keep our feet grounded in the black sands on the Big Island. We cannot afford to lose ourselves.

I think it hits both of us at the same time. Leimaile and I look up and have the same thought.

Dad and Kepa are due to arrive in less than two hours. Kepa was supposed to be another surprise for Leimailes birthday.

Leimaile says, “Didnʻt anyone tell Grandma that Kepa was coming.” I think maybe Leimaile thought that Grandma might have stayed a little longer knowing that her youngest Grandson was coming. I let her know that Grandma was told… and that at least we are all here now.

The decision is made. We will go to The House and Mom will tell Grandpa. Mom will take grandpa to the hospital. Jason and I will go get Dad and Kepa. I look to Leimaile. “Would you like to come with us to go get Dad and Kepa or go with Mom to the hospital?”

Leimaile decides to come with us to go and get Kepa and Dad. 

We get into the rental car and drive to the house. Words are spoken. I donʻt remember any of it. I hope Jason drove because I cannot remember getting to the house. I was on auto-pilot. Mechanical. 

Kristian is outside sitting on a bench. She is listening to something. Music? Her face is tear streaked and my heart opens a little as I hold her. I canʻt break yet. I cannot Expire. Not until I help my Mom do what she must. I hold Kristian for as long as my heart can take it. I let go and go inside.

Kaeo. He almost made me crack. His eyes are full of sorrow and the weight of knowledge. He knows and he cannot tell our Grandfather. I hold onto Kaeo. I want to swallow his Pain into my own. What I failed to realize is that in that moment… our pain is universal. Tapped and sent throughout all who our Grandma touched. I look at him and steel myself once again.

Moments pass… I am following my Mom in to my Grandpas room. It is still before 7 AM and he is sleeping soundly. I almost grab my mom to ask her not to tell him. Give him this last moment of relative tranquility. But that is selfish. That is wrong.

My Mother says, “Dad?” And my Grandfather wakes up immediately.

What happens next and the words that followed are too vividly painful for me to type. I donʻt want to remember - but I do. Every moment. I remember every word. The change in my Grandpas face. The moment my Mom began to weep. I crawled into bed on the other side of my Grandpa. I could feel the waves of sorrow drowning us all. Aunty Lorie and Kaeo come into the room. They bend over my Grandfather. We all want to shield him from the torrent, the onslaught of sorrow. But, again, how do you protect someone from that which resides and grows from within.

You canʻt. Not really...

I remember my Aunty Lorie saying, “Pili, you need to take care of yourself. You need to take care of your baby.” It feels like I am lying by my Grandfathers side for eternity. I donʻt want to move. I give my Grandpa a kiss. I tell him how much I love him and that I am there. I look at my Aunty and tell her to take my place by my Grandpa. She should be by his side. I stand and give Kaeo a kiss. I squeeze my Mom. I walk out of the room.

Jason is there and I hold onto him.

...

I am selfish. I want my Grandma to be here, with us, smiling. I know what you are going to say. I was saying it too. Grandma is in a better place, free of pain and drinking Crown Royal with our family up above. You might even get angry and tell me to grow up and stop my pity-party. To any of the responses I say… YES… you are right! But please do not tell me that do have not, are not, did not feel the same.

Because you would be lying. You are resentful, angry, and selfish. You wish you could have done more. You WANT and NEED to see Grandma smile without pain. And thats okay… cause I do too. 

We have each other, my Family and Friends. People never really Expire as long as we keep their memory and more importantly the HONEST feelings and reactions we associate with every single moment.

Baby is moving around in my tummy right now as if to remind me that there is love and joy and that I need to take care of myself and my family. I need to wipe my face, close my computer and sleep. I need to take care of myself. 

But, before I put my head down to sleep I ask again, How do you protect someone from that heart-wrenching sorrow that comes from within?

My answer… You canʻt Protect them but you can envelope them with 

Love 

...and maybe a smile.

Love you,

Happy Nathaniel

PS... "Grandmas House: Part four" will be next in this line of memories that may or may not end. Oh and... She did teach me one last thing in the last year of her life...

SHE TAUGHT ME TO FIND THE STRENGTH WITHIN.