Fatty.

I was just told by my OB that I am fat.

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Well... not in those words exactly. She said, in a very caring and professional manner, I am gaining too much weight and I need to cut back on carbs and sugar.  I need to eat smaller portions throughout the day. I need to drink more water. I've gained more than 40lbs during this pregnancy which could be unhealthy for the baby. She wants me to cut back for the health of me and my baby.

But all my brain heard was... "Pili, you are fat. You are Over-weight and Ugly."

Brains are amazing things, aren't they. Instead of hearing the encouraging words from the man I love. Instead of hearing him tell me how beautiful I am. Instead of listening to his kind loving words, I heard this: 

"Pili, you can't get pregnant. If you get pregnant then you'll be FAT."

Do you know how many times that was drilled into me in the past? Enough to make a lasting impression, I guess. I didn't realize the toll that had taken on me until today. I thought I had gotten over that. I thought I was over this crap. I was seriously almost to the point of tears. There are recesses of my brain that are still pretty messed up. When the doctor told me that I was gaining too much weight and that I needed to cut back, all I heard was a nasty voice in my head telling me that ... 

I am fat.

AAAAANNND... this is where I switch gears and I try to yank myself out of this funk. But first... My big, fat disclaimer.

I am not a doctor. I am not a nurse. I am not a psychologist. I am not a counselor. I am not affiliated with any sort of health industry. I AM A big, fat, fatty pregnant girl who tends to ramble. You are reading this blog with the full knowledge that Pilialoha K. Nathaniel is not authorized by any school, institution or government to give health and medical advise. If you follow any advise in this blog it is at your own discretion and at your own risk. Okay? Nod if you agree. If you read anything past this paragraph that means you have nodded and you agree.

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Around this date almost exactly two years ago I was at my lowest. My birthday... 7/7/2012 was probably the worst birthday I had ever had. I was severely under weight at 104 lbs. For a 5ʻ8" high volume bartender (at the time) thatʻs low.  I had no ass (see picture) to speak of and my bra size was a 32A. I had never been that skinny or small in my life. A concerned doctor friend of mine said I was probably consuming around 1300-1500 calories a day... barely enough to keep up with my active life style and my bodies needs. Truthfully... some days I would barely eat that. I had many friends point out my weight loss but it wasnʻt until the mother of a good friend of mine pulled me to the side and asked me straight up:

"Are you anorexic? Are you eating? Are you okay?"

Of course I gave her all sorts of excuses, all the same excuses that Iʻd been giving everyone all year. But I knew deep down that I was sick and unhappy. Iʻm smiling in this pic because I am standing with a very awesome friend of mine and her son.  But as you can see... I have NO BUTT.  If you want more of the story you can go to an older bloggy of mine: IM STARVING!!!

A person very close to me once said, "Pili, you canʻt get pregnant because youʻll get fat if you do." I still think about that statement and a multitude of others concerning my weight. It still fucks with my head. Those comments. They were from someone I loved. Sometimes itʻs the words of your loved ones that leave the deepest scars.

Thatʻs my Cousin Kalei and my Aunty Jane. They were worried. They almost threw me into the trunk of their rental car when they came to visit me in NYC. I was so unhealthy and small.

I KNOW I have NEVER been even close to over-weight. I have always had a high-metabolism. I also found out a few months after this picture was taken that I am hypoglycemic. Not only did I have a lower than average blood sugar it also meant that I HAD TO EAT MORE to stay healthy. Go figure... my Dadʻs been telling me that for ages.

I love my Mom and Dad. They, along with my entire family and a few supportive friends brought me back to myself...

...  A few months later I was at about 116 lbs and I finally saw a Doctor. There was no more excuses and no more abusing myself. I had to get healthy. My cousins convinced me to this blog and I was on my uphill journey.

I really am proud of myself. Through eating RIGHT, an AWESOME exercise program and simply being me, being HAPPY and being around those that not only make me happy but promote my happiness ... I found myself again.

In October of 2013 I did Tough Mudder with a bunch of crazy cats. This was totally out of my comfort zone and not something I would have ever thought to do... for more on Tough Mudder go here: TOUGH MUDDER!!!!

Around this time I was probably close to 130 because I had bulked up a bit for the adventure. I was happy and running regularly. 

And then a month later... I was PREGNANT!!!!

Iʻm PREGNANT with a very healthy, KICKING (He has found my bladder and loves to head-butt it) BABY BOY!!!

That person, all those years ago, was right. I got pregnant and I got fat. Pregnant women are SUPPOSED to get bigger!!! Everything SPREADS to make room! Its been such a crazy experience!!! I finally feel like a woman! I am overflowing a 34D cup!!! I HAVE AN ASS!!! Seriously. A huge ass. I love it!!! My body was built for this child-making thing!!!

So... I need to take my doctors advice. I need to cut back on the Bad Carbs and Bad Sugars. I need to eat more salads and protein. I need to eat smaller, more frequent meals. I need to not beat myself over the head because of my past. I need to listen when the people I love remind me that I am beautiful. I need to stay happy and healthy for my very active, very strong baby boy. 

I wish I could explain how strong he is. It is an amazing and humbling feeling to have this beautiful being growing inside me. I love how relentless he is in his movements and kicks. I love the excitement of waiting to meet him. 

I will not let anything deter me from having an awesome pregnancy experience.

I just need to lay off the chocolate pudding and butter rolls for awhile.

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Thank you for reading and helping me to get out of my funk. I still feel HUGE but HAPPY. 

Love, aloha and protein,

Happy Nathaniel

On Aloha in the Middle East

My Family and Friends, My beautiful courageous cousin from Hawai'i, Lia Kamana, is studying abroad in Israel right now. She has been there for the last two semesters and has continued to learn and persevere through all that she has come across, the good and the bad.

Here is a picture of my cousin in Petra, Jordan:

With the lastest reports of violence in the Middle East I want to stretch my arms out to my brave cousin, give her the warmest hug and grab her by the scruff and drag her home. But that's because I'm much older than her and I remember when she and my little sister, Leimaile, played as toddlers ... 

Truly... I am afraid for her. 

But that fear stems from the unknown. I do not know what she is going through. I do not know what it is like to live in Israel. All I can hope for is that my cousin is surrounded by good people with loving hearts who know what a special person they have amongst them. 

To Lia... You have grown into a powerful world traveling woman. Please be careful. Please keep on smiling and giving that ALOHA spirit that you so eloquently write about.

To my friends and family... PLEASE LIVE WITH ALOHA!!! Please read and please pray for those who seek violence. It is not the way. Please pray for those who have lost their lives through violence. May their families know peace. Please pray for my cousin that she may show people ... Even if it is just ONE person ... The meaning of ALOHA. 

Love you Lia. Be safe and live with Aloha.

Happy Nathaniel


Please read Below:

"Aloha in the Middle East" From the Facebook page of Lia Kamana:

"Just a thought, I normally don't do this, but I had to get it out: 

This is the first time in the duration of my 6 months in Israel that I have ever woken up and seriously said to myself “I wish I was home.” Never in my life have I witnessed so much hate directed towards others due to religion or race more than in the past 2 days. Also, never in my life have I ever feared for my own safety due to religion and race more than in the last 2 days, and in my 21 years of life I have experienced hate due to both and this has been the worst.

VIOLENCE IS NOT GOING TO STOP VIOLENCE… when are people going to realize that?! If anything productive is ever going to be accomplished, everyone, regardless of religion, regardless of race needs to act intelligently, thoughtfully, and in the way we all strive to live.

Regardless of religion, we all strive to live like how God, Yahweh, Allah, the Heavenly Father – names don’t matter – we are all striving to live like how our CREATOR would want us to live.

I don’t know about you, but the G-D I know, would not want his people to be killing one another, he would not want us killing our brothers and sisters. We are all equal in the eyes of GOD and we are all his children.

Leviticus 19:18 “Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD.

Mark 12:31 “Love your neighbor as yourself. There is no commandment greater than these.”

Romans 13:10 “Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. “

Proverbs 24:17 “Rejoice not when thine enemy falleth, and let not thine heart be glad when he stumbleth.”

I have faith in this world and the people within it. I have faith that peace can be reached. But this can only happen when people start thinking and acting with intelligence.

GOD knows all and in the end, when it comes down to it, he knows who truly lived in his way. So please, I ask of everyone to start thinking intelligently, to open your minds, open your hearts, not just to those who are similar, but also to those who are different. As we say in Hawaii, speak with ALOHA, act with ALOHA, share with ALOHA. Lets stop the violence, stop the hate, and start living in the ALOHA way. I know that we, children of GOD, can do this... and GOD knows we can do it too.

God Bless and Aloha"

-Lia Kamana