GET OUTTA MY HEAD!!!

Seriously, get outta my head. You all wedge your way into my head. Get inside and then POOF you donʻt wanna come out!

So.
Yeah.
Itʻs time.

Get out!

DISCLAIMER: Iʻm crazy. Itʻs true. Not certifiable... but probably close. I am not a doctor. I am not a nurse. I am not a psychologist. Can you imagine if I was your psychologist?!? Too funny! I am not affiliated with any sort of health industry. You are reading this blog with the full knowledge that Pilialoha K. Nathaniel is not authorized by any school, institution or government to give health and medical advice. If you follow any advice in this blog it is at your own discretion and at your own risk. Okay? Nod if you agree. If you read anything past this paragraph that means you have nodded and you agree.

Youʻre still reading???

THANK YOU! You are awesome.

I am sure most of you are just like me. You have creepy crawlies in your head. You have grand ideas and amazing scenarios floating around in that mass of grey matter of your brain. You have stories and to do lists and wants and needs and... STUFF THAT IS JUST STUCK IN YOUR HEAD.

Itʻs time to get it out.

I am not sure how you will go about doing that but this is what Iʻll be doing my CANS:

C - CLARITY
A - ACTION

N - NO FEAR
S - SYSTEMS

CLARITY 
I am an overthinker. I process and vacillate and pick apart things until ... well sometimes until itʻs too late. I waste time, thinking. I think Iʻm thinking for Clarity but Iʻm really just mudding everything up. So... I am cleaning house. I am clearing out the over processing. 

This goes in hand with all the other "CANS". Clarity happens when I focus on the task at hand and take action immediately! If it is not important enough to take immediate action then it is probably not that important and can be cleaned out and filed away. I will set clear goals and I will set them high. I will attain my goals.
I will attain my goals by taking...

ACTION 
"If you are going to fail, FAIL BIG!" -Mrs. Sharon Abrigo, Retired Theatre Teacher and AWESOME WOMAN. "FAIL FAST." - Justin Williams, House Flipping HQ. "If you set your goals ridiculously high and itʻs a failure, you will fail above everyone elseʻs success." - James Cameron.

Oh... I could go on with the quotes but you came hear to read what I think! I will never FAIL unless I TRY. I will never succeed either. Unless I take ACTION... there is nothing. I am nothing but words and dreams of words and wordy dreams. 

HOW will I take ACTION? I am a MOTHER, a WRITER and a REAL ESTATE INVESTOR and AGENT. I am all over the place!!! I NEED focus (see Clarity above). With more focus I will accomplish the following goals in 2016 with NO FEAR:

1. FAMILY FIRST (not really a goal as much as an IDEAL)
2. PUBLISH BOOK
3. PUBLISH 2nd BOOK
4. Get AT LEAST 15 properties CLOSED!

NO FEAR!!! 
I am a cautious person. I run scenarios in my head all day everyday. I over think! (See Clarity) Thinking is fine. I suggest you all do a bit of thinking in your day to day activities. The same with Fear. Fear is healthy. 

ME? Too much. I think myself in to a corner. I think myself into being AFRAID! I need to ACT with NO FEAR! 

How to do all of this and still keep sane?

SYSTEMS. 
Successful people have systems. How to get from A-B or How to make a certain amount of money or How to publish a book... There are methods out there that I need to find and stick to. 

So... for the book I am currently following a fellow by the name of Chandler Bolt. 

http://www.self-publishingschool.com

There are many other how-to books out there but he comes highly recommended by Hal Elrod, another author I follow.

So, if youʻre like me and you are stuck... Make 2016 the year of CANS. 

You and I CAN achieve Clarity. 
You and I CAN achieve by taking ACTION. 
You and I CAN achieve with NO FEAR.
You and I CAN create SYSTEMS.

Hereʻs a little teaser of the cover...

And a pic of me and my niece Aaliyah. I miss her. 

It looks like Iʻm a scary monster coming out of her head. Or eating her head. 

Both scenarios are relevant to this blog.

Iʻm sorry Tūtū.

Iʻve been racking my brain trying to figure out what to write about my Tūtū. It suddenly came to me as I was telling my son about his Tūtū Nui...

"Iʻm sorry Tūtū."

Iʻm sorry I didnʻt stand to speak when my Dad was finished with your beautiful eulogy. The priest sorta gave me the heebeegeebeez and my timing seemed off during the entire thing. I didn't get back in the church to sit with my family. I didn't get to take communion... the priest just passed me by. Think he didn't like the fact that I was breast-feeding in church... you probably wouldn't have liked it either, Tūtū. Plus, I just didnʻt know what to say. Your passing has left me at a loss of words... And I think itʻs because I never got to say goodbye. So if you never say goodbye that means a person can never truly leave... right?

Iʻm sorry I havenʻt been around. You kept telling me I should move back to Hawaii. "Be a teacher"... you used to say. "We need more teachers"... Iʻm not sorry I didnʻt become a teacher in the State of Hawaii. Tūtū... the kukae my Mom has to deal with on the regular would make you so angry!

Iʻm sorry you didnʻt get to meet your Great-Grandson. I really wanted to place him in your arms.. Iʻm sorry we missed that moment. But I know you hold him in your heart everytime you look down on us.

Remember that handsome man you met... that is his Daddy.

Iʻm sorry I didnʻt visit more often. Alex said it correctly when we were sitting down to dinner, "Pili, you were always around. And then all of a sudden... you werenʻt." I should have been there to help you. I should have called more and talked with you more. I am sorry about all the time I missed with you these last fifteenish years. I moved away without thinking how much I would miss. I am blessed with great experiences and a loving and amazing family... but I missed you. I missed seeing you.

I know you would say not to live your life with regret... but the truth is that I regret not being able to do more for you and with you.

Thank you for being my Tūtū.

Now, no more apologies...

Our beautiful Tūtū.

I love you Tūtū. I miss you.

Love,

Your Granddaughter,

Pilialoha



Your Great-Grandson... looking up. Looking for you Tūtū.

HAPPY NATHANIEL and THE MIRACLE MORNING!!!

"...rise above our excuses..."

-Hal Elrod, author of "The Miracle Morning"

***

"Hug yourself."

-My yoga teacher this morning.

***

"My purpose in live is to add value to other peoples lives."

-Me, author of "Happy Nathaniel"

This past week has been AMAZING! I have been doing a program that has made this HAPPY NATHANIEL... actually HAPPY. For Christmas my family will be receiving a book from me called, "The Miracle Morning."

I listened to a podcast in which one of my Real Estate Investment coaches was interviewing the author, Hal Elrod. What hooked me was this:

How many time do you find yourself reliving horrible moments in your life? How many times in the day do you automatically think negatively? Do you play the blame game? Do you BLAME others for events in your life, good and bad? SURE. We ALL do. But we can stop the circle of negative thought. Negative though that inhibits our growth potential. We can stop by allowing ourselves FIVE MINUTES to be ANGRY, NEGATIVE, SPITEFUL, DOWN, DEPRESSED, SHIT ON, AMBIVALENT, SAD... and my favorite CRABBY. You have five minutes.

Think on something. Start small. Do you have your something? Good. Now for five minutes let yourself feel what you need to feel. Blame your husband, mom, dad, roommate... the world for your misfortune. Be in that moment. You have FIVE MINUTES.

Now stop. Now it is UP TO YOU to take RESPONSIBILITY for that event. No matter what happened it is up to YOU to take responsibility for YOUR REACTION. You can either let it inhibit your growth or you can grow past it. IT HAPPENED... THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT NOW. Take responsibility and MOVE FORWARD! Whether forward means correcting a situation, moving on, letting go or whatever... you do what you need to to to live a HAPPY LIFE... a life of fulfillment... a life worth living.

The author, Hal... he described it differently... but thats how I see it... Take responsibility.

For instance. I HATE thinking about High School. I was bullied. I was awkward. I kept on falling in love with boys who were not attainable... because I either didnʻt want to take the chance or deep down I knew they didnʻt like me in "that way." By Senior Year, I hid behind a persona of confidence which was really a "Get me the "f" outta here... quick." I hated thinking about it... Iʻve been working on it. Iʻve been taking responsibility for my actions (or inaction in some cases). Iʻve been letting go, moving on... itʻs about time too... Iʻm 35! I can actually say I am looking forward to my next reunion.

And back to the book... "The Miracle Morning."

To give you all a quick preview, it is basically a book that challenges you to become a "better version of yourself." And more importantly, "Your level of success will seldom exceed your level of personal development, because success is something you attract by the person you become."

So for the next few months I am COMMITTED to INTERVIEWING FAMILY MEMBERS who are already following this thought process ... or who want to ... or who need to and I will post my the interviews HERE!!!

Friends and FamilyI love you all. I am so GRATEFUL FOR YOU.

-Happy Nathaniel

For more info on the book go to the websites below:

Hal Elrod
The Miracle Morning on Amazon
The Miracle Morning on Audible

ALIVE and RUNNING!!! My first 5K!!!

My son and I just did our first 5K!!!!!!! 

I finally dusted off the expensive runner stroller I got for just this type of thing. The stroller works like a charm. It was so much fun running with him. Like pushing along my own little cheer squad!

The run I did was in support of Contact We Care, a group dedicated to Suicide Prevention. 

But before I go on... My disclaimer:

I am not a doctor. I am not a nurse. I am not a psychologist. I am not affiliated with any sort of health industry. You are reading this blog with the full knowledge that Pilialoha K. Nathaniel is not authorized by any school, institution or government to give health and medical advice. If you follow any advice in this blog it is at your own discretion and at your own risk. Okay? Nod if you agree. If you read anything past this paragraph that means you have nodded and you agree.

Youʻre still reading???

THANK YOU! You are awesome.

Contact We Care (click on link for more info) is "devoted to promoting emotional wellbeing and preventing emotional crises by providing opportunities for people to express themselves to compassionate listeners in a safe environment. We respond to the need for human interaction and create opportunities for people to help each other. We offer training to people and organizations in the listening skills needed to support those in crisis." 

They are a part of a bigger organization called: CONTACT USA. 

PLEASE... Depression... no matter what form... can be a deadly disease. Look for the signs that your loved ones need help. Even if they won't take it from you give them the info for this organization. Please donʻt wait until itʻs too late... As one of the organizers said, "They are full of good people who listen with their Hearts." 

To my friends and family and YOU. Yes. YOU. If you need someone to talk to... call me. Text me. Email me. If you donʻt know me or think I suck or just donʻt think I could help you... PLEASE call someone who CAN help. Please call these people. 

CONTACT’s
New Jersey local hotline
number is
(908) 232-2880

or

Text: "CWC" to 839863

Monday through Friday from 4-10pm

CONTACT We Care is also
a member of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. We are the primary responder in New Jersey
to calls made to
800-SUICIDE and
800-273-TALK.

 

...

Please read my last blog for my update on my own mental/physical wellbeing. 

This run has jump kicked my butt into gear! Iʻve also started my nutritional supplements from AdvoCare!!! I feel awesome!

AWESOMELY SORE!

But itʻs a good hurt. I did some yoga after the run and probably pushed myself too hard by trying to do backbends. Yeah... probably not a good idea. But I am NOT as SORE as I usually am after a workout like that. I credit that to the recent uptick in vitamins, minerals and just plain awesome goodness of AdvoCare.

So... What have I learned? 

1) Ask for Help.
2) Listen with Heart.
3) Exercise is great for my COMPLETE wellbeing. 
3.5) Running for a great cause makes EVERYTHING so much better!
3.75) Running with my son made my heart happy!
4) Make sure to feed my body right!!! 
5) Donʻt do backbends until I get better at yoga again...

LOVE, ALOHA and HEART,

Happy Nathaniel

HAPPY NATHANIEL IS BACK!!!! Getting Happier and Healthier!!!

ALOHA Friends, Family and EVERYBODY!!!

This is HAPPY NATHANIEL... Better known as Pilialoha Nathaniel or PILI. I am reinstating this blog and taking it back to its origins of HEALTH and HAPPINESS!!! Thank you to everyone who has followed me and to everyone who will follow!!!

But before we begin... a disclaimer:

I am not a doctor. I am not a nurse. I am not a psychologist. I am not affiliated with any sort of health industry. You are reading this blog with the full knowledge that Pilialoha K. Nathaniel is not authorized by any school, institution or government to give health and medical advice. If you follow any advice in this blog it is at your own discretion and at your own risk. Okay? Nod if you agree. If you read anything past this paragraph that means you have nodded and you agree.

YOU NODDED!?!

Awesomeness!

FIRST bit of advise I am going to give to you today: GO GET A PHYSICAL!!! I know you are SOOOOOOO BUSY! And... you should NEVER be too busy to take care of yourself. Life is too short and with that short bit of life we have to live on this earth we should do it HEALTHY!!! So... go get a physical!

SECOND: This is not advice but a disclosure. I had my son a little over nine months ago. HE IS AMAZING. HE MAKES ME SO HAPPY. MY LIFE IS AMAZING!!! That being said... I have been... 

... not my usual self.

Im not depressed. I am not suffering from Post-Partum Depression. But my doctor said I have Dysthymia. Go ahead and read what wikipedia has to say about it by clicking on the link I provided ... but it sounds worse than how I FEEL it is. 

SO... what am I going to do about it? ME TIME!!! Serious. No drugs. No psychiatrist.  The doctor prescribed more ME time and I need to exercise at least 150min a week and do things that make ME ME ME happy. I never realized how hard having time for ME was. Having a child changes EVERYTHING. Everything becomes AMAZING and amazingly difficult... if you let it. So I AM NOT GONNA LET IT!!! 

-This is ME time. When I write, I will write for ME (and you). 
-I will get back to running... remember when I could run 13 miles? Yeah... I need to get back to that. I think a half-marathon is in my future
-AND I will ... What do you think I need to do?

THIRD: I am ALMOST back to my pre-preggo weight!!! How will I get back into my STRONG pre-preggo body??? Exercise and ADVOCARE!!!

Advocare is "a world-class nutrition company specializing in health and wellness, weight management, vibrant energy and sports performance." Thatʻs straight from the website. What can I tell you about it? Well... I got a couple of family members doing the 24 Day Challenge!!! Click on the link for more info. In 24 Days I will be able to give you first hand accounts. 

Do you want to join us??? Let me know!

My love. My support. My beautiful family.

So... Iʻm basically taking my life back. There are a whole slew of other changes that are happening but thatʻs for another time!!!

LOVE and ALOHA, HAPPINESS and HEALTH.

Happy Nathaniel!

NEXT BLOG... Something about parenthood and what they DONʻT tell you until itʻs too late... Like... pointing the DING DING DOWN in the diaper. I KNOW its sounds like common sense but ... well ... welcome to parenthood.

I'M PUBLISHED in The Paradise Post!!!

Hello Friends, Family and all you good people!!! Please check out my first published short story ONLINE at: The Paradise Post It is a bright little story about a hula-dancing Mynah bird. AND... if you live on the Big Island, Hawaii you can pick it up for free IN PRINT at your local grocery or bookstore. I'm really excited to be in print!!! AND... Happy Earth Day! GO plant something everybody!!!! More updates on my novel coming soon...!!! Love, aloha and flowers, Pili Update: please check out my website at  www.pilialohanathaniel.com The Paradise Post no longer has a website.

Celebrate everyday. A lesson from my friend Cora.

The following paragraphs were written last year but never published...

On January 31, 2014 I wrote:

"So much has CHANGED. Again.

Change is what keeps the world revolving. Change takes us all from the beginning to the end. Change is what is, was, and what is going to be.

My life has changed again.

I still can't discern my gas from the little ones movements and kicks but Iʻve been told that those tiny movements are happening deep with in my body.  Now that I am officially jumping into the second trimester I am positive that now is the time to celebrate with Bloggerland.

Weʻre having a baby!"

Then I don't write anything again until March...

"So Iʻve mentioned this... but I donʻt think Iʻve outright written this next statement on my blog.

Iʻm pregnant.

Very happily, hugely, lovingly seven months pregnant. Jason and I are expecting a son around August 17th. He is already wiggling his butt at the ultrasound technicians and waking up his momma with kicking. He is getting stronger and stronger every day. I donʻt think Iʻve ever been so excited about anything until this little man began to grow inside my womb. Well... maybe a few things come pretty close and maybe one day Iʻll tell you about them.

So back to my Family. I have the best Family. In the midst of planning for my Grandmothers Celebration my Family planned and executed a baby shower for me. There was ALOT of family involved and EVERYONE kept the secret. It was an amazing night filled with family, crazy games and good food. And Crown Royal... But not for me..."

And then again in July 2014 about a month before I gave birth...

"I can see my babies leg. It is rubbing up against my upper abdomen. And now... there is his little butt moving along my middle past my belly button. He's not as gymnastic as he was a few weeks ago but when my boy moves, my entire universe moves with him.

Especially when he head butts my bladder. Now THAT is a special feeling..."

The paragraphs above were written by me a differing times before my son was born. I didn't post any of it. I know I posted different blurbs about the pregnancy and life and stuff but I didn't post these tender bits of me.

I don't know why.

Why am I now? Because of my friend Cora. Even though she is experiencing something that no mother or father wants to ever experience she is CELEBRATING EVERY MOMENT and is letting the entire world know it. Cora is one of the smartest, most vibrant women I know. I see her posts on Facebook and she makes me want to laugh and cry and just simply FEEL! 

What is she going through? 

Something that would have made me crawl into myself. Something that makes me wish I had celebrated a even more everyday. Something that REMINDS ME to celebrate everyday and to BE THANKFUL. 

I am so thankful for friends and family like YOU. I am SO THANKFUL for friends, strong loving friends like Cora.

Love you.

And thank you to my beautiful little boy. I celebrate you everyday.

Aloha,

Happy Nathaniel

I am also so very thankful for this man. Love you.

Update:

A reply from Cora...

"Thank you, Pili. Aloha means Hello, Goodbye, and I love you. Today that is what we said to our sweet baby, born at 20 weeks, 5 days. Aloha to my Pu'uwai, to the heart that beat inside of me and reminded me of what it means to love unconditionally."

Hau'oli Gobble Gobble and other late postings including a review of "The ZooHunters" issue one.

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!!! I'm late but for some pretty good reasons! And really... We should be thankful everyday!!!

It's been many moons since I've written anything so please bear with me. My beautiful "pupule" son is at my boobie happily chomping away as I try to type this with my one free thumb on my phone. I've missed it here. I've missed writing and I'm getting back into it with a vengeance!

At least as vengeful as a one thumbed writer can be.

Today's blog will be a hodge podge of items...

1. a book review. Comic book to be exact. This comic will also be stuffing a few stockings so watch out for that!

2. some rambling. Things have happened in the months that I've let this blog take a long naptime. I'm gonna ramble. Probably mostly about my son. I'll introduce you to him in a later blog.

3. a voice clip I should have posted on Thanksgiving. Instead think of it as an early Christmas present!

And it begins...

"The ZooHunters: Issue One: Adagio For Her Kels" story and art by Peter Steigerwald.

photo by Andria Angott

A little background on Mr Steigerwald.

BORN AND RAISED IN HAWAII!!! He went to Mid Pacific Institute on Oahu. His first major gig was with Top Cow where he and a few other artists banded together and started Aspen Comics. Mr. Steigerwald has also done work for DC, Image and Marvel comics.

Warning here... Spoiler Alert! Just a little bit though.

"For my mother- who took me to zoos and taught me art... And who never got to see this."

The authors dedication is a heart shattering mirror, a somber preamble to the events of this book. As a newly minted mother, my son is four months old, I never want to imagine leaving him. I want to be there for all his triumphs. I want to be there when he falls and I want to teach him to pick himself back up. I never want to leave him. 

This Comicbook has touched the mother in me. It made my soul ache for Ty, the young hero of this story. The first page is a stark, sterile fog. The movement of the page gave me a feeling of being this little boys mother... Seeing him trapped in a hospital room with only a journal for comfort. 

Although I am getting all motherhoody all over this blog page... It is the Father figure who must stand strong in this story. This issue is about two men, a son and his father, who must over come losing the most important person in their lives. They must navigate the strange fathomless ocean of space to hunt and capture wild animals for intergalactic zoos. This comic has the makings of a wonderous new universe of beings and languages (Mr. Steigerwald gives his Hawaii roots a nod here... See if you can find it!). 

The art. Wow. Much of the comic work in today's market are done my a host of artists and a writer. This book was penned, inked and colored by Mr. Steigerwald. He probably would have done the lettering as well if he had the time!!! Plus Josh Reed (the is just amazing at his job. Mr. Steigerwald is one of a handful of creators that has done work at this scale. And really... The art is phenomenal. As I am not an art major and I haven't drawn anything since my high school art class... I can't give a well drawn explanation except that it's really really awesome. The movement, the life of the inks, the colors and the story is so well moulded into an incredible book. I can't wait to get my hands on issue two!!! 

Oh and I want this little creature!!! He's so cute!

If Santa doesn't slide one of these books into your stocking you can grab a copy at:

http://www.aspenstore.com
and follow Peter at https://www.facebook.com/peter.steigerwald.3

So... I tried to put my son down halfway through that review... But alas... It was not to be. He likes to have easy access to his main food supply. Instead I put him back to sleep and cut his little fingernails. And that was my break time.

I hope you liked the first half of this blog... now for the heart of this piece...

The reason I am tying in thanksgiving... Other than the fact that I didn't (but meant to) post that day... And motherhood and writing ... Is ...

My Grandma.

Mr. Steigerwald dedicated his book to his Mom. My Grandmother was the MOM of our family. I miss her everyday. And everyday I can here her telling me to get on with my writing. Get on with telling everyone my stories.

...

I miss your phone calls Grandma. I miss how you made me feel like I was with you and not 6000 miles away. I miss how you would call JUST TO CHECK on me. I miss how you would get angry on Facebook if I didn't automatically call you back.

I wish you would call to check on your great grandson. I know you can see him from heaven. I know you hold him and sing to him in his dreams. I know he can see you even when I can't.

But I'm selfish.

I wish you were still with us in this life to meet your first Great Grandson. I know you would have been on the first plane over after he was born. I know you would have stayed with me and held our baby in your arms. 

He is so beautiful, Grandma.

So Grandma... I'm writing again. Even though it's with one thumb (now I'm using my left one) I still writing. Even though my your great grandson won't sleep in his crib and wants to eat every twenty minutes... I'm writing.
...

I'm writing because one day my son will grow up and I won't beable to hold him the way I do now.

I'm writing because I want to.

I'm writing.

I'm also posting. I have a present for you, dear reader... Well for my family and friends and people who knew my grandma. This is a "Hau'oli Gobble Gobble" Early Christmas present.

I didn't pick up my Grandmas calls automatically because I wanted her to leave a message. I saved those messages...

Hau'oli Gobble Gobble everyone.

Love you Grandma. Please give Peter Steigerwald's Mom a hug from him.

Love you all,

Happy Nathaniel

My son... sleeping in my arms as I edit.

Support Your Boobies!!!

Breastfeeding sucks

Yes. I see the irony. 

I actually wrote much of this blog months ago... Within the first two months of my baby boys life. I don't know why I didn't post it at the time. 

But first...

MY DISCLAIMER: So sorry folks... I know I keep on saying that I'll get back on a schedule... and I will. I have just been a little busy writing my book AND I just got back from two weeks in Hawaii!!! BUT enough of me apologizing to you, dear friend, and back to my disclaimer: I am not a doctor. I am not a nurse. I am not a psychologist. I am not affiliated with any sort of health industry. You are reading this blog with the full knowledge that Pilialoha K. Nathaniel is not authorized by any school, institution or government to give health and medical advice. If you follow any advice in this blog it is at your own discretion and at your own risk. Okay? Nod if you agree. If you read anything past this paragraph that means you have nodded and you agree.

...

Let's go back a few months... My beautiful hungry boy was born mid-August. For more than two months I was in pain.

...

My life after labor has become centered mostly around feeding my son. Which should be an amazing experience. Except that it's not.

For the most part it's been a toe curling, tear reducing and sleep depriving process. The worst part is that I convince myself that I've finally achieved that happy euphoric land of happy mommy and baby breastfeeding... When really I haven't.  My nipples are still hurting and my breast still burn.

Please Stop. Now. 

Don't try to solve this. Please don't ask me if I've:

1) Seen "someone"? Yes. I have seen multiple "someones". I have seen three lactation consultants, two pediatricians, an RN and the OBGyn that delivered my son. They just look at me and basically tell me to deal with it. Nothing is wrong with my sons mouth. There is nothing medically wrong with my breasts. So. Deal.

2) ... Gone to meetings? Yes. Took the classes before. They are a waste of time. You can't know what it feels like until you have a real baby latched on to your breast. Playing with dolls doesn't help. The videos they show and the nurse that gave the class just made me feel like I would be a horrible momma if I even touched formula. 

...

And that's where I stopped. I was in a really bad place. It hurt so much that I wasn't feeding my son enough and had to supplement with formula. I felt like a failure... Why though? Both my Man and I were raised on formula. With all the pro-breastfeeding stuff out there I think I just felt pressured. 

Breast milk is THE BEST food for a baby. You can google it and come up with dozens of websites promoting it. So you can imagine how upset I became when my doctor told me that my son was losing too much weight and I had to supplement with formula. Add that to the stress of being in excruciating pain everytime my son latched on... I was not a happy momma.

And it was all in my head. My doctors were very supportive. Those breast feeding websites were supportive. The mommies groups that I went to were supportive. I had the support and love of my Man and both our families...

I wasn't supporting myself. 

I let my views of what I THOUGHT perfection was cloud my enjoyment of the present. Yes... There was pain. A lot of it. But I didn't fail my son in anyway. He took what I was able to give him. The formula gave my breasts a rest and I was able to heal.

About 7-8 weeks in I wrote a "help" post on Facebook to all my Mommies out in facebookland. Thank you to everyone who responded. Thank you especially to whoever said to use coconut oil. I still use it. I think it not only helped me to heal but it also gave my son a added boost of good fats.

About 9 weeks in ... Around the end of October... Breastfeeding became less painful and more of the joy I had heard it was supposed to be. I could feed my son without crying from the pain. 

Finally... It didn't suck.

Now... It's the best thing ever. I can breastfeed anywhere. I don't just whip them out in public... I'm not all that comfortable with people ogling my boobs. I keep them covered it public.

I can multitask as well! I'm actually writing and breastfeeding right now! I can walk and nurse. I can eat and nurse. I can cut all twenty of my sons nails during a nursing session! I know that seems like a small thing but I feel like super mom after his nails are cut.

So... The moral of my bloggy today... SUPPORT YOURSELF! There will be pain. But that's okay. You can work through it and find the reward on the other side. Don't google so much that your head explodes from all the advice out there. Use your judgement. 

Love, happiness and boobie milk,

Happy Nathaniel

My little hungry man back in September at barely a month old... So intent!!! So hungry!!!

Fatty.

I was just told by my OB that I am fat.

...

...

Well... not in those words exactly. She said, in a very caring and professional manner, I am gaining too much weight and I need to cut back on carbs and sugar.  I need to eat smaller portions throughout the day. I need to drink more water. I've gained more than 40lbs during this pregnancy which could be unhealthy for the baby. She wants me to cut back for the health of me and my baby.

But all my brain heard was... "Pili, you are fat. You are Over-weight and Ugly."

Brains are amazing things, aren't they. Instead of hearing the encouraging words from the man I love. Instead of hearing him tell me how beautiful I am. Instead of listening to his kind loving words, I heard this: 

"Pili, you can't get pregnant. If you get pregnant then you'll be FAT."

Do you know how many times that was drilled into me in the past? Enough to make a lasting impression, I guess. I didn't realize the toll that had taken on me until today. I thought I had gotten over that. I thought I was over this crap. I was seriously almost to the point of tears. There are recesses of my brain that are still pretty messed up. When the doctor told me that I was gaining too much weight and that I needed to cut back, all I heard was a nasty voice in my head telling me that ... 

I am fat.

AAAAANNND... this is where I switch gears and I try to yank myself out of this funk. But first... My big, fat disclaimer.

I am not a doctor. I am not a nurse. I am not a psychologist. I am not a counselor. I am not affiliated with any sort of health industry. I AM A big, fat, fatty pregnant girl who tends to ramble. You are reading this blog with the full knowledge that Pilialoha K. Nathaniel is not authorized by any school, institution or government to give health and medical advise. If you follow any advise in this blog it is at your own discretion and at your own risk. Okay? Nod if you agree. If you read anything past this paragraph that means you have nodded and you agree.

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Around this date almost exactly two years ago I was at my lowest. My birthday... 7/7/2012 was probably the worst birthday I had ever had. I was severely under weight at 104 lbs. For a 5ʻ8" high volume bartender (at the time) thatʻs low.  I had no ass (see picture) to speak of and my bra size was a 32A. I had never been that skinny or small in my life. A concerned doctor friend of mine said I was probably consuming around 1300-1500 calories a day... barely enough to keep up with my active life style and my bodies needs. Truthfully... some days I would barely eat that. I had many friends point out my weight loss but it wasnʻt until the mother of a good friend of mine pulled me to the side and asked me straight up:

"Are you anorexic? Are you eating? Are you okay?"

Of course I gave her all sorts of excuses, all the same excuses that Iʻd been giving everyone all year. But I knew deep down that I was sick and unhappy. Iʻm smiling in this pic because I am standing with a very awesome friend of mine and her son.  But as you can see... I have NO BUTT.  If you want more of the story you can go to an older bloggy of mine: IM STARVING!!!

A person very close to me once said, "Pili, you canʻt get pregnant because youʻll get fat if you do." I still think about that statement and a multitude of others concerning my weight. It still fucks with my head. Those comments. They were from someone I loved. Sometimes itʻs the words of your loved ones that leave the deepest scars.

Thatʻs my Cousin Kalei and my Aunty Jane. They were worried. They almost threw me into the trunk of their rental car when they came to visit me in NYC. I was so unhealthy and small.

I KNOW I have NEVER been even close to over-weight. I have always had a high-metabolism. I also found out a few months after this picture was taken that I am hypoglycemic. Not only did I have a lower than average blood sugar it also meant that I HAD TO EAT MORE to stay healthy. Go figure... my Dadʻs been telling me that for ages.

I love my Mom and Dad. They, along with my entire family and a few supportive friends brought me back to myself...

...  A few months later I was at about 116 lbs and I finally saw a Doctor. There was no more excuses and no more abusing myself. I had to get healthy. My cousins convinced me to this blog and I was on my uphill journey.

I really am proud of myself. Through eating RIGHT, an AWESOME exercise program and simply being me, being HAPPY and being around those that not only make me happy but promote my happiness ... I found myself again.

In October of 2013 I did Tough Mudder with a bunch of crazy cats. This was totally out of my comfort zone and not something I would have ever thought to do... for more on Tough Mudder go here: TOUGH MUDDER!!!!

Around this time I was probably close to 130 because I had bulked up a bit for the adventure. I was happy and running regularly. 

And then a month later... I was PREGNANT!!!!

Iʻm PREGNANT with a very healthy, KICKING (He has found my bladder and loves to head-butt it) BABY BOY!!!

That person, all those years ago, was right. I got pregnant and I got fat. Pregnant women are SUPPOSED to get bigger!!! Everything SPREADS to make room! Its been such a crazy experience!!! I finally feel like a woman! I am overflowing a 34D cup!!! I HAVE AN ASS!!! Seriously. A huge ass. I love it!!! My body was built for this child-making thing!!!

So... I need to take my doctors advice. I need to cut back on the Bad Carbs and Bad Sugars. I need to eat more salads and protein. I need to eat smaller, more frequent meals. I need to not beat myself over the head because of my past. I need to listen when the people I love remind me that I am beautiful. I need to stay happy and healthy for my very active, very strong baby boy. 

I wish I could explain how strong he is. It is an amazing and humbling feeling to have this beautiful being growing inside me. I love how relentless he is in his movements and kicks. I love the excitement of waiting to meet him. 

I will not let anything deter me from having an awesome pregnancy experience.

I just need to lay off the chocolate pudding and butter rolls for awhile.

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Thank you for reading and helping me to get out of my funk. I still feel HUGE but HAPPY. 

Love, aloha and protein,

Happy Nathaniel